Good Boys Don't Make Noise

so..

2009-10-30T10:08:00.002+01:00

i'm getting married today.

we don't have the rings yet, but we do have each other.

mornin' world

2009-09-04T07:02:00.005+02:00

ugh. i'm up the morning after my first late-night study session. i've been spoiling my self with regular sleep between 12 and 7 the past few weeks, with the result being staying up last night was really hard; i have to stop being healthy sleep wise or i can't do this again!

..ohwell..

today we are presenting a photography for our class, to talk about the composition used in it. i spent waaay too much time trying to find a photo last night, and even because that was partly due to me working against incredibly slow server loading times, it still felt a bit ridiculous at the end of the night. the photo really isn't all that, but then again i was doing a bunch of other stuff while doing the assignment, so perhaps that's what i should expect from such behavior. one thing is certain, kari needs to find her center, learn to focus again!

i actually like sitting around in the morning, by my self or with company it doesn't really matter, there's time and calm and sometimes even breakfast available, and you find your self feeling very relaxed even if it's so early you really ought to be fast asleep. i feel like tracy jordan from 30 rock: "I’m whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It’s pretty good." say it tracy, just say it!

i guess that's it. better get working on my newspaper assignment now.

I wish I had thought of this.

2009-08-11T23:37:00.002+02:00

It would have been amazing to do while I was still in film school and we were doing animation.

Lolcat of the day

2009-08-08T13:16:00.002+02:00

From http://icanhascheezburger.com

I want bling

2009-08-08T13:03:00.003+02:00

Warning, do not go to this website other than to purchase me this wonderful necklace..

IT WILL CLEAN OUT YOUR POCKETS: http://www.girlzlyfe.com/catalog.php?item=910

But yes.. please buy me bling. ;_;

Stavangerstavangerstavanger

2009-08-04T21:47:00.027+02:00

The book cover archive

2009-08-04T12:36:00.004+02:00

Great website with great book covers: http://www.bookcoverarchive.com/

Lolcat of the day

2009-07-31T10:32:00.002+02:00

From http://icanhascheezburger.com/.

Live for the sounds

2009-07-31T09:41:00.008+02:00

I'm not sure if it's partly that I am hoppety hopped up on very mild painkillers (low tolerance) or the incredibly loud music coming out of my speakers, but I feel good, I feel inspired, I feel like I am going to accomplish something in the near future, and knowing me you should realize this is somewhat of a feat. Sad but true, this fact should not be depressing but exciting, and a celebration of "yay, kari is getting her life back on track" is definitely in order.

I think I shall celebrate with a cup of tea.

Seoul

2009-06-14T09:46:00.005+02:00

Seoul is large, Seoul is warm, Seoul is sticky, Seoul is really really Korean, Seoul is awesome.

We went out walking after Kyle left for work today. Vivian discovered that there is a store next to Namdaemun Market with 2 stores of only stationary, so we decided to go there. The whole market is really just down the hill, so I foresee a lot of trips there. Apparently the actual market place is so huge you get lost in it, and I can't wait for that to happen to us. Instead of returning with stationary I came back 100,000 Won (about 500 NOK) poorer, but a Fujifilm instant camera richer. Fuck yes, I always wanted a polaroid camera. It takes tiny photos, like.. credit card size. The film is kind of expensive, but whatever, I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS PURCHASE. Obviously we win at life. Awesome times expected.

Later tonight we're going out at Itaewon, which is like the center of life in the town, or something. It has a market and a lot of places to go out to eat and drink. Kyle doesn't get off work until 9, but I have some work to catch up on, and besides I'm starting to get over the jetlag which was making me tired at like 6 pm. The first day I woke up at 4.30 am, and I had a very grumpy (yet understanding) boy in bed with me, who did not understand why we were getting up at such an ungodly hour. Moahahaha.

I don't know, I guess I'll write more later.

Basically

2009-06-02T14:35:00.005+02:00

I moved out of the Space Shuttle, redid my book shelf to fit ALL my books, and now I am trying to finish work and cleaning and a lot of other very tedious and boring activities before I pack my suitcase for Seoul next week. Holy shit, it's like a week from now.

Excited!

I'm not sure what kind of clothes to bring, and I need a haircut really badly (growing out the hair, but the bangs... ahhhh, they look horrible), but I can get all of that done in time, right?

Ofcourse I can! ^_^

But now I better stop writing and go back to working. Even though its boring. Really, really boring.

it's not accidental

2009-04-13T01:05:00.005+02:00

how i feel inside.

there's a song called stupidly happy. i would not go so far as saying that's what i am, but lately i've been feeling really really, really-really, really really good. it's strange, all this optimism is making me realize that despite some serious issues and problems needing solutions and resolutions, things are eventually going to be ok.

and i deserve it!

it's light out.

2009-04-01T19:42:00.006+02:00

it's still light out, even at 8 pm, and it baffles me. i think growing up where the sun literally does not shine parts of the year makes you appreciate the sun that much more. i love the dark, and i love the moonlight, but when the sun rises over the horizon, or stays up late at night, it soothes my heart.

ok, so enough with the youtube.

2009-03-31T13:10:00.005+02:00

i know this is cheesy and set to a bunch of scenes from Grey's Anatomy (which i have to admit i watch avidly - but am not quick to admit this, besides it's totally a guilty pleasure because it has got to be one of the cheesiest shows ever), but when i heard this song again earlier this week, which was probably the first time after downloading this album when it came out and not really taking to it much, it did tug at my heart strings a little (~~well a lot, actually~~). it's cheesy, but so are my enchiladas, and people seem to love those.

love you guys.

love love love.

2009-03-26T14:45:00.002+01:00

fated to pretend.

2009-03-21T14:35:00.003+01:00

i'm cleaning with vivian, or we were cleaning and this is my official break which i am spending writing this blog with absolutely no content. i'm really really looking forward to seeing eva again tomorrow, i haven't seen her since my trip to oslo like a hundred million years ago, and she's just such a special person to be around. i'm sure we'll break out the tea and it'll be like old times, just in a slightly more comfortable sofa.

"Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do."

message

2009-03-02T16:31:00.001+01:00

i've decided to post one entry with something somewhere every day.

this is one of the places things might show up, but not the only one.

Well, hi there

2009-02-28T16:18:00.003+01:00

I like your light

I'm sitting here rubbing my eyes because I spent way too much time in bed this morning. A month ago today I got up early because I went to bed early and everything was fine, but during the course of the next four weeks I basically fucked that up. Well not so much me as us, but then again I am a pretty important part of the us.

I felt like the last entry was too depressing to end up at the top of the page until the end of time, and besides I've been itching to write lately so it makes sense that I would put something down. Besides I get to use photos and a fancy font with this blog, so how can I resist it for too long?

So.. I'm an us. Or no, I could not really be an us, but I am a part of one, and it's sort of unexpected in the way that I was expecting it to never happen again, so I guess that says enough. I realize that was a pretty unrealistic way to look at things, but at the same time what else is there to do for a girl with a broken heart? I don't really know what's going to happen in a week or a month or a year but it's quite refreshing to just live in the now and enjoy every minute of every day for a change. This very short term living is really not like anything I've ever done before, as I am a plan-ahead kind of person, but I guess a change of scenery works wonders once in a while. I don't expect it to last though, come Monday I'll go back to planning planning planning. But for now... not.

He is about to find out how serious I am about washing your hands and brushing your teeth after eating tunafish.

Fuck it

2008-08-14T15:28:00.001+02:00

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing, I think a thought of you

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Jealous of the way they walk, the way *they* talk
'Cause I don't think they know just what they got
I'm jealous of the way they look, the way they are
When I just want to be the way we were

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Well, I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me

Orly?

2008-06-17T17:17:00.001+02:00

Too bad I've spent most of that time sleeping the past 10 months or so.

Rollercoaster

2008-04-18T15:33:00.003+02:00

THEY LIED TO US!

Ja, ja. Hva kan jeg si, jeg er en berg- og dalbane laget av kjøtt og blod; det går litt opp; det går litt ned; det går litt rundt og til siden. Dagen i går var en katastrofe, en eksplosjon av dårlige følelser og et brennende ønske om å legge seg under dyna og aldri se dagens lys igjen. I dag, derimot, er litt lysere, litt bedre. Jeg føler at jeg greier å holde tak i sakene mine, jeg prøver på nytt, jeg gjør mitt beste. Og hva annet kan du egentlig be om?

Det er mye å gjøre på jobben for tiden, men det er bra, for jeg har litt pengeproblemer. Skatt fra i fjor og regninger spiser opp lønningene mine, og jeg må begynne å spare opp penger til jeg skal ut i verden. Forhåpentlivis får jeg jobbet en god del mer hos pappa, og i tillegg bør jeg prøve å få meg en eller anne helgejobb. Bortsett fra musikkfestival(er?) og en reise til Edinburgh med Vivian og Therese denne sommeren er jeg egentlig innstilt på å jobbe livet av meg, noe som egentlig er greit for å være ærlig. Skal få besøk/besøke litt folk, men hoveddelen av sommeren blir nok ærlig arbeid.

MEN NOK OM DET! JEG VIL DRA PÅ VAMPIRE WEEKEND-KONSERT. OMG PLZ? GIMME GIMME.

Nå blir pappa glad!

2008-04-14T18:04:00.001+02:00

DINE STUDIEØNSKER FOR 2008-OPPTAKET I PRIORITERT REKKEFØLGE


PRI KODE   STED STUDIUM
--- ------ ---- -----------------------------------
1. 217046 UiS  Fjernsyns- og multimedieproduksjon
2. 204454 HBO  Journalistikk
3. 185851 UiO  Medievitenskap
4. 215336 HiO  Bibliotek- og informasjonsvitenskap
5. 215850 HiO  Medier og kommunikasjon
6. 185439 UiO  Estetiske studier
7. 193780 NVH  Dyrepleierutdanning
8. 217200 UiS  Kunst- og kulturvitenskap
9. 223451 HVO  Animasjon
10. 223430 HVO  Media, IKT og design

UiS = Universitetet i Stavanger
HBO = Høgskolen i Bodø
UiO = Universitetet i Oslo
HiO = Høgskolen i Oslo
NVH = Norges veterinærhøgskole (Oslo)
HVO = Høgskolen i Volda

I need therapy.

I'm singing my own song, now.

2008-04-14T15:46:00.003+02:00

Etter en veldig fin uke i Øverbygd er livet blitt litt bedre og litt mer vanskelig. Vanskelig fordi når man går rundt og er (dreprimert) litt deppa glemmer man av hvor godt man kan ha det uten å egentlig måtte gjøre så mye for det. Don't get me wrong, jeg angrer ikke på at jeg dro, men nå er alt plutselig litt mer ensomt og tomt. BUT THE UPSIDE IS; jeg har planer.

Først planer for sommeren: Hove 23-27 Juni. Omigosh. Animal Collective, Babyshambles (omg lol), Bad Religion, Band of Horses, BECK (!!), Deerhunter, Familjen, Flogging Molly, Foals, Jay-Z, Les Savy Fav, M.I.A, MGMT, Opeth, Slagsmålsklubben, St Vincent, Stars, THE KOOKS, The National Bank, The Pigeon Detectives, The Raconteurs, THE WOMBATS (!) og Yeasayer.

HUM HUM HUM. It's gonna be good. En god del fantastiske (!!!) mennesker skal være der også, så det skal bli et par uforglemmelige dager, tror jeg. I tillegg planlegger jeg en tur til Trondheim noen dager før sammen med Vivian, for å gjøre alle de tingene vi ikke gjorde mens vi bodde der. COULD BE GOOD TIMES. (strike the could).

Det er litt vanskelig å sitte her mutters alene, men nå har jeg noe å se fram tid på korttidssikt og langtidssikt, og det hjelper, tro meg. På et lengre sikt planlegger jeg å flytte til Edinburgh til høsten. WTF? Ja, Srsly. Nei, nå må jeg jobbe. Spare opp slik at jeg kan kjøpe mange fine paraplyer, liksom.

Newsflash for you all: ALL IS FULL OF LOVE.

I'm listening

2008-03-10T21:36:00.000+01:00

TANKER PÅ EN MANDAG

2008-03-10T16:24:00.004+01:00

o Jeg sitter her og jobber mens jeg ser fram til lysere tider, og husker plutselig jeg ikke egentlig liker lys. Mørketiden passer meg egentlig fint, jeg har alltid vært en nattugle. Ikke det at jeg ikke liker sol, og midnattsolen er vel den beste type sol uansett, men... men ja. Lys liksom? Jeg er ikke lys, jeg er en mørk og sart sjel, eller det var iallefall det en fotograf fortalte meg en gang i tiden. Tullemannen.

o Jeg har vondt i hodet. Jeg har lyst til å plastre et mummiplaster på det, men det vil jo liksom ikke hjelpe, plaster funker bare på utsiden.

o Jeg har virkelig lyst til å tro at verden ikke er i ferd med å gå fullstending i dass, men det blir egentlig vanskeligere og vanskeligere å overbevise meg selv om at dette er faktum. Jeg lever litt i en boble, men selv det funker ikke helt. Vi ødelegger oss selv og jeg tror ikke noen vet hvordan vi skal stoppe det. Bortsett fra kanskje de folka som går rundt og gir ut gratis klemmer. Tror de er inne på noe, de.

o Jo eldre jeg blir, jo mer vanskelig blir det for meg å stole på folk.

o Den enste grunnen til at jeg lager en punktliste er at jeg er lat og ikke orker skrive en fornuftig tekst.

MAYBE, LIKE SERIOUSLY DUDE, I DON'T REALLY WANNA KNOW HOW YOUR GARDEN GROWS? OK! BECAUSE I JUST WANNA FLY, RIGHT?!

..argh.

Le Sigh

2008-02-27T23:21:00.001+01:00

[Luke and Lorelai's first real date; they have just read a long story on the back of a menu, hence the menu line]

Lorelai: Hey, do you remember the first time we met?
Luke: What?
Lorelai: I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: [nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...
Lorelai: Ooh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.
Lorelai: [happily] Ooh, it's me.
Luke: I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying - sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.
Luke: She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.
Lorelai: God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?
Luke: So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written 'You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.' I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: [grins] But she didn't go away.
Luke: She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me -
[takes a piece of paper from his wallet and gives it to her]
Luke: one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: [teasing] Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee
[reads it, grows serious]
Lorelai: Um... I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet?
[sees his face]
Lorelai: You kept this in your wallet.
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: [emotionally] Eight years

SINT

2008-02-24T20:40:00.002+01:00

I dag føler jeg meg skikkelig, skikkelig sint. Om jeg satt en tekopp på hodet mitt ville den begynt å koke. Det har egentlig ikke skjedd noe, men følelser med stor F preger livet mitt for tiden, så jeg er ikke så overrasket, for å si det sånn.

FAEN, altså. FAEN.

Blogg, Bloggere og Bloggest

2008-02-20T19:03:00.002+01:00

One too many hearts

Jeg greier ikke slutte høre på The Bird and The Bee's valentines-EP "One too many hearts". Jeg vet ikke om det bare er det faktum at hele verden blir bitteliten og jeg kan ta på den med fingerspissene når jeg hører på sangene, eller at musikken setter følelsene mine i gang og får meg til å føle meg levende, men den står da altså på repeat mesteparten av tiden. Og det er rart, jeg hører vanligvis ikke på sanger mer enn en gang på rad.

Veggene mine er nesten fulle av ting; postkort, kalenderbilder og tegninger. Jeg får ikke til å henge det opp helt slik jeg vil, men det viktigste er at veggene mine skal fungere som en inspirasjonskilde, og få meg til å føle meg mer hjemme i mitt eget hjem. For jeg føler meg ikke alltid vel her, det er så mye rart av historie i disse veggene at det er vanskelig å tro på at noe nytt kommer til å skje, en ny dag vil begynne og jeg vil oppleve noe jeg aldri har opplevd før, istedet for at jeg bare våkner og gjentar gårsdagen. Rinse and repeat, liksom. Så derfor vil jeg omringe meg med kreativitet og farger; ting som inspirerer meg og ting som gjør meg glad. Materialismen tar litt på overhånd til tider, spesielt når det kommer til kjøp av bøker og filmer, men hei, jeg prøver bare å være glad, og når man er like enkel å gjøre lykkelig som meg er det så mye lettere å kjøpe et par søte postkort enn å søke dypt inn i seg selv og finne ut hva man bør gjøre for å våkne opp et bedre menneske dagen derpå. Det er trist å si det, men det er sant. Jeg er realistisk, men det betyr ikke at jeg prøver forandre meg selv.

Jeg tror det var det for nå. Makter ikke mer.

New Zealand

2008-01-30T21:43:00.000+01:00

New Zealand virker som et fint sted, eller det er iallefall det jeg får intrykk av når jeg leser, ser film eller snakker om det med Vivian som har flyttet dit. Hun er en av heltene mine, Vivian, for hun følger drømmene sine. Tøffere enn toget tøffet hun helt til andre siden av kloden for å gå på skole og være tøff. Hun er heller ikke den eneste som har forlatt meg for bedre steder den siste tiden, og tankene mine går ut til alle de som har forflyttet seg. Jeg savner dem, jeg gjør det, og selv om jeg vet de savner meg også så var det tross alt de som dro. Og egoisten i meg kunne egentlig ønske at jeg også hadde dratt et sted, så folk kunne savne meg uten at det var deres egen feil.

Det gir ikke noen mening, jeg er klar over det.

Jeg gleder meg til jeg skal til Oslo. Der skal jeg bo hos Hege og møte barna hennes, stalke evas store kjærlighet og sikkert drikke en god del te med Karine og Fride. Det er så lenge siden jeg har sett noen av disse menneskene, men på tross av avstandene som tross alt er ganske store, er de folk som betyr ekstremt mye for meg. Det kan ta ganske lang tid mellom de gangene vi har kontakt, men det er bare noe helt spesielt å vite at det for det første finnes slike mennesker i verden, og for det andre at de faktisk vil være venn med meg.

Med meg. Oj.

Nå skjer det

2008-01-29T08:19:00.000+01:00

Nå skjer det, nå skjer det, nå skjer det. Det er på tide at jeg tvinger fram "Kari 12 år" til allmennheten, dytter henne ut av hiet hun har tilbragt de siste iallefall 8 årene i, og setter henne i bruk.

Ja, jeg skriver på norsk. Nei, det har ikke tørnet for meg.

Jeg føler en forferdelig prestasjonsangst ved bruk av morsmålet. Når jeg skriver på engelsk greier jeg ikke bare utrykke meg bedre; jeg har også en unnskyldning om det jeg skriver ikke helt holder opp mot et nivå jeg føler jeg bør være på. Jeg er fullt klar over at ingen andre tenker slik når de leser resultatet, men det holder for meg, det er en usynlig sikkerhetsline som tillater meg å faktisk sette den digitale pennen i bruk.

Men hvorfor i helvette skal alt være så sabla bra da?

Se, her er jeg flink, jeg setter spørsmålstegn til norsk grammatikk. Man skal aldri begynne en setning med "men", men jeg gjør det uansett. "Klapp på ryggen", "Flink Kari", "..er det det du vil?". Jeg vet ikke hva jeg vil, jeg vil bare greie å utrykke meg uten å føle en usynlig tusen tonns lenke på foten, en kjetting som drar meg mot bunnen mens jeg prøver å svømme i havet av ord jeg har rukket å lært meg i løpet av mine 22 år på overflaten. Det man sikkert må satse på her er å strekke kjettingen såpass langt at man framdeles når overflaten om man vil; så får man heller dykke under om man føler seg litt ekstra modig.

Jeg er ikke modig. Jeg eier ikke mot. Hadde jeg eid mot, hadde jeg ikke sittet her i dag, da hadde jeg sikkert vært et helt annet sted, og vært veldig fornøyd med det. Men det er greit, det er ok, jeg gjør mitt beste for å akseptere meg selv og jeg vet at jeg ikke har kommet helt fram enda. Og for å være ærlig er jeg litt glad at det er slik det er, at jeg framdeles har mil å gå, framdeles kan se fram til det som ligger i siktet. Så lenge jeg ikke kaster bort hele nåtiden med å tenke på at framtiden vil bringe meg både det ene og det andre, kan jeg akseptere mine egne feil og mangler. Det går greit, liksom, når man vet man både kan og skal gjøre det bedre.

Nei, dette går ikke. Jeg greier ikke skrive. Jeg setter tankene på "papiret", men når jeg leser dem igjen er det bare et helsikkes rot, en stor knute av ord og bøyninger. Orker ikke, vil ikke, får prøve igjen i morgen.

"Men da gjør du det, da."

"Ja, da gjør jeg det."

2008-01-24T01:39:00.001+01:00

Lazy!

Yay!

2008-01-12T21:25:00.001+01:00

Hege and kari has gotten over their tequila angst! Party on!

Yep

2008-01-11T21:34:00.001+01:00

Going out.. In public! Omg.

2007-12-19T03:37:00.001+01:00

Pusi

2007-12-02T20:26:00.001+01:00

All pretty like woha!

Edit from computer: MORE IRONY! This photo was taken by MY camera, before I sent it to Hege's phone, and THEN she sent it to MY phone, and I sent it from my phone to my blog, which is probably the silliest thing ever because I already have this image in my blog AND on my computer.

Ahwell.

Lanophone

2007-12-02T20:11:00.001+01:00

Hahahaha.

Edit from computer: Ironically this photo was not taken with my phone camera, but with Hege's, quite some time ago. But anyway, this was my first visit to the world of lano photos sent to the internet from phones, which is incredibly silly and pointless in most cases. Especially this one. GO ME.

A Cold Wind Will Blow Through Your Door

2007-11-19T18:21:00.000+01:00

When I Hated Him (Don't Tell Me)

It's been forever, hasn't it? I don't know why I stopped writing, or I sort of do, but I don't feel like explaining. Ah, it's the story of my life.

I don't want to explain.

I'm not having the best of days. I'm worried, and I'm moody, and I'm lonely and I'm cold. It's cold outside, but not the right kind of cold, not the pretty kind of cold, just the annoying kind, the kind no one really care for. It doesn't even feel good to be indoors next to a warm fireplace; the outside is all stressed out and all over the place. So you feel stressed out and all over the place, and you just want the weather to settle down. You want to settle down too.

I want a giant turtle plushie. So big it could cover all me, I'm sure it could console me, even if just a little. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HOLD ME TIGHT! (is it really that much to ask?)

I've been planning this entry for like a month, and then when I finally sit down to write it I cannot think of a single thing to write.

How depressing.

When pigs fly

2007-11-04T20:06:00.000+01:00

An old fashioned love song

http://www.demonbaby.com/blog/2007/10/when-pigs-fly-death-of-oink-birth-of.html

Just felt like sharing this article with you all. While it is fairly long and the format isn't that user friendly it's a really good read, and I have to say that I agree with just about the entire article. It's a good read; so, well.. read it.

Also, go Trent:

What do you think about OiNK being shut down?
Trent: I'll admit I had an account there and frequented it quite often. At the end of the day, what made OiNK a great place was that it was like the world's greatest record store. Pretty much anything you could ever imagine, it was there, and it was there in the format you wanted. If OiNK cost anything, I would certainly have paid, but there isn't the equivalent of that in the retail space right now. iTunes kind of feels like Sam Goody to me. I don't feel cool when I go there. I'm tired of seeing John Mayer's face pop up. I feel like I'm being hustled when I visit there, and I don't think their product is that great. DRM, low bit rate, etc. Amazon has potential, but none of them get around the issue of pre-release leaks. And that's what's such a difficult puzzle at the moment. If your favorite band in the world has a leaked record out, do you listen to it or do you not listen to it? People on those boards, they're grateful for the person that uploaded it — they're the hero. They're not stealing it because they're going to make money off of it; they're stealing it because they love the band. I'm not saying that I think OiNK is morally correct, but I do know that it existed because it filled a void of what people want.

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2007/10/trent_reznor_and_saul_williams.html

So long, and thanks for all the fish

2007-10-27T14:14:00.000+02:00

Fuck was I

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer,
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
and there's always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the special one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.

If we werent such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead

Oh it's so embarrasing
I'm this awkward and uncomprable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide

Unexpected Obstacles

2007-10-24T20:52:00.001+02:00

Who Are You, Defenders Of The Universe?

I don't actually have anything to write about, I just feel like jotting something down. I am having serious problems concentrating, and it's taking a toll on my work. Shape up or ship out, like they say, it's getting to a point where it is now or never.

Ohwell, hopefully I can get better. I have to, right?

Hopefully.

I cannot keep down any food, I feel dizzy and disoriented, and I feel it is all justified because yesterday I made a comment about how I haven't really been sick in like half a year. Which is actually not true, I did have a weekend like this about 2 months ago or so. Hannes was here, he was sweet and helpful.. ugh, just.. don't think about it.

This is where it stops, before I start whining even more.

Crawling towards the sun

2007-10-20T13:52:00.000+02:00

One of these things first

I have been ordered to write - I am writing. Hey, what's going on with you people? Personally I feel slightly dizzy and out of it; I've been working hard lately, so I decided that the arrival of a Friday meant that I would play hard too. It was fun, but the fruits I reaped aren't so sweet anymore. In a lot less complicated way of saying it I have a hang over.

Come and get me, boys.

Billy Ray Cyrus explains my feelings quite well in the song "Achy Breaky Heart":

But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
I just don't think it'd understand
And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
He might blow up and kill this man

You know you feel bad, but you do not want to admit it to your self. I guess what I went through this summer has left my emotions worried. They do not want to listen, they do not want to come out of their shell. I spent days in bed, not being able to do anything but cry, and now that things are.. so unbelievably and ridiculously frustrating and depressing and I am going nowhere I rarely ever feel a thing? I will always love you, Hannes, no matter what you do to me, but if you take my feelings I might hate you forever too.

It is just so beyond my grasp and understanding that someone who claims you are the love of their life can actually ignore you for days, weeks, like you are no one to them.

But enough about my stupid boy troubles.

My camera is full of photos I do NOT remember taking! Granted, I remember being there, and doing .. most of the things featured on them, but the fact that there are so many photos I do not even remember taking or that someone took kind of disturbs me. Ohmy. I went out with Susanne, who has yet to turn 20, so it was kind of limited where we could go. We met some funny people though, watched almost an entire movie (The Heartbreak Kid - it was a bad movie even to watch while drunk, which means it's a horrible movie to watch while sober), went bowling, ate at Subways, ran around, sat on the street and talked about how guys are fucking complicated and in the end one of Susanne's countless fans drove us both home. I actually managed to spill water all over my desk and fall asleep with my laptop in bed. In other words; a good night.

Today I am going to slow down considerably and do absolutely nothing. Yay.

I really want one of these:
http://www.wishingfish.com/610574.html
But they don't ship to Norway, so they can go suck it.

Now listen to Nouvelle Vague - I Melt with you. Goddammit.

Beat up the clowns!

2007-10-10T22:04:00.000+02:00

Fluorescent Adolescent

How about.. how about I write an entry ignoring everything that really matters to me and pretend like the world is a happy-go-lucky place, catering to my wants and drugging me silly, happy, docile?

Yes, I do believe I will do just that. Now..

PILOT SEASON IS UPON US!

And my, what a turnout we have this year. I haven't been able to follow it quite as closely before, so this is a new experience for me, but the diversity, the high level of crap and the awesomeness actually surprised me. I'm totally in love with Pushing Daisies, it's rainbow sparkled murder-mystery-heartbreak thrown together to one strange package. The kind that makes you squirm and smile, but at the same time breaks your heart because you feel so alone when you watch it.

..yeah, this isn't gonna work.

I have lost my train of thought. I am incapable of writing anything right now, and it really irks me, because I feel the tingle in my fingertips, I feel the need to pour my thoughts (silly as they might be) out on this digital piece of paper.

My father tells me I should try to write a book, my mother makes me see people who will tell me what I should do with my life, me, I'm just trying to survive it all. And despite of everything; I miss your smell most of all.

The Devil Never Sleeps

2007-10-05T13:38:00.000+02:00

Hand on your heart

One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless, long nights
That was what my youth was for

OLD teenage hopes are ALIVE at your door
Left you with nothing
But they want some more

Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are

Sweetheart, bitter heart
Now I can't tell you apart
Cozy and cold
Put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes
Who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up
To one little lie

Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are
Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are

Om Du Lämnade Mig Nu

2007-10-03T00:35:00.000+02:00

I haven't listened to music in more than a week

That's how terrible I'm feeling.

But I'll try to be better.

I promise.

Why do I still make my bed for two?

2007-09-20T18:46:00.000+02:00

I'm struggling

Trying to keep my head over surface level so I will not drown is hard.

Very hard.

You try to keep busy doing things. But then those things make it harder. You think "Oh, I wish I could tell... oh". You think "Well, maybe I just have to keep my self busy and then the only problem is the moment when I go to sleep and when I wake up when all the world is around you but you still feel lonely down to the core", but then you realize you feel lonely down to the core right there on that bus and you miss him so much you just want to scream.

I feel like I know what is going to happen. Everything points towards a very sad and lonely route, and I am doing everything to avoid it. I want to avoid it, I want it more than anything. But I'm not driving, I'm not even in the passenger seat, I'm being dragged by chains from the back of the truck. I can't even untie them right now, there is nothing I can do but sit here and wait for what feels like an execution. Oh my God, I'm such a drama queen.

But even if he's hurt me, even if he's ignoring me right now for God knows what reason, I love him. He's my better (and kind of worse) half, he makes me want to accomplish things, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning. And not even being able to reach him to say "I miss you" is dragging me apart. I'd put everything aside just to get to talk to him right now, his voice provides me with more comfort than anything else in the world.

Maybe I make my bed for two because it's made for two. Or maybe it's because I'm delusional and I think he'll walk in the door tomorrow.

I would give the sun and the moon for a hug from you right about now.

I shouldn't write this here

2007-09-11T22:57:00.000+02:00

I am doing it anyway.

I don't know what to do. Inner turmoil is the best description for my feelings right now. I'm all over the place, emotions raging, cries yelped, tears floating all over the place.

I don't know what to do.

There's no one to talk to, nothing to say, the only thing I can do is sit here and shake a little, punch the table, try to breathe, try not to suffocate, try not to run far far away.

But that's what I want. I want to run so far away that I don't know where I am, or how to get back. I want to escape, where no one can reach me and I'm not my self. I don't want to be me, I don't want my own feelings.

"Even I am not that mean. I wouldn't leave when I say I'm not."

Turns out, honeypie, you probably are.

What's that crap about better to have loved than not? Augustine, fucking crap. Fucking crap, crap, crap. I'm not feeling this, this is not happening to me. Something like this shouldn't be swallowing me whole, am I not more of a person than that?

No. Pathetic piece of shit.

You say I must eat so many lemons..

2007-09-11T14:37:00.000+02:00

..cus I am so bitter.

HUIIII, hvor det går.

Famous last words, I guess. Or, you wish they were. You all wish they were your famous last words because that would mean you died in a crazy rollercoaster ride, throwing your self off a plane or doing some other crazy high risk sport. But most of us die in hospitals, sick, elderly, even demented. It's sad. We keep avoiding death until we have reached the same stage we were as babies. Life goes from very low, to very high, but for some reason we all think that going back lower than we even were when we were infants is something to be longed after. Live forever, I guess.

A horrible concept, really; I want to be old, that's not it at all. But I want to be old and sane, I want to be old and enjoying the winter of my life. HAHA, what utter bullshit. Full of it today, I guess.

http://www.fabulist.org/

Having been a pretty steady reader of it for a while, I must say that the fabulist! still surprises me. It's a dangerous read (I found my self getting stuff from etsy a few times after reading it), but completely worth it. I'm a little mad at her for not spelling Jens Lekman's name right in her "The Beginning Of A Dawning Of A Brand New Day Mix", but hey, these things happen. Lerkman is a pretty cool name anyway.

I got my first textmessage from Hannes since like... June yesterday. Oh, how fun. Now he can go back to not picking up his cell phone instead of his home phone. <3

You do what you love and fuck the rest

2007-09-09T21:09:00.000+02:00

A million middle fingers

For once, I would like to write an update that actually contained something. I'm not even talking about anything worthwhile; I just want to be able to say whatever. But I cannot, something is holding me back, and even if I could think of what it is, I wouldn't be able to put it down here.

I'm scared, I am terrified, there are no more chances left to give, and this is the end of the line. What the hell is going to happen? Good things, I hope, but at the same time all the good things have turned sour, they do not compare, and they are tainted by all the events which took place this summer. I turned around, and my life turned into a mess. I guess I should have seen it coming - I guess I was in denial, but that doesn't change the fact that it hit me harder than anything has ever hit me before. I'm not my self anymore, and I'm actually not sure who I have become. I hope it's someone that my friends and family can learn to like.

It's never too late to get up and go.

You better wake up

2007-09-03T01:27:00.001+02:00

12441 and counting

I don't feel well on the inside. As far as my outside is concerned, that isn't important, I am not talking about physical pain. Right now I am experiencing this nagging kind of pain in my chest, aching, breaking me up from the inside. I don't want to feel this way, but there is actually nothing I can do to feel better. I guess I'll just have to wait until it passes.

Loneliness won't.

It's been almost a week since Hannes left, but it might as well been a year. Things have gone back and forth in a flying, hasty manner, and we're still not completely decided in what to do. Or, he says he is, but I'd like some proof. Speaking of proof, I would also like him to call me, I only spoke to him briefly earlier today and I guess I am assuming he will call me back. That's what's boyfriends do, right?

Ah, I just want everything to be OK for once.

Wearing Influences On Our Sleeve-Less T-shirts

2007-08-08T11:27:00.001+02:00

Choose how to lose it all

We keep going to bed way, way too late, and here I am again, trying to work when I really need to be sleeping instead. At least they called me from the camping and told me that they don't really need me to come clean, so I can work reception instead.

I've kind of made up my mind. Actually, I have made up my mind; there should be no kind of in that sentence. So there you go.

Curious what I've made it up to? You're going to have to ask me. Obviously I don't want everyone to know through this blog. Pfft, silly you.

Why is paypal fucking everything up? Lars texted me this morning after some dude called him from Australia in the middle of the night. Nice one, people. Stupid fucking paypal!

Hm, I don't have to go in until 13.30, it is currently 11.30, and I have to be ready in about an hour so me and Hannes can go grab something to eat before work. I think I can allow my self to go back to bed for 20 minutes.. I have done most of the work and I'm just so tired!

..hmm..

What an awful blog entry. I think I'll finish this off by telling you all that I really want to make the best out of the rest of the summer. I'm going to be working at the camping until the 22nd or so, and then.. we'll see. But until then we should try to do a lot of things all the time. Love!

Sky Phenomenon

2007-08-02T11:44:00.001+02:00

If You Ever Need a Stranger (to sing at your wedding)

I haven't slept well. Not that I have the past few weeks, but tonight was particularly bad. It didn't help that my alarm was set to 8.30 either, and I kept pushing it again and again until 10.10. Lucky for me there wasn't much to do, and I even had time to take a shower. I am sitting here typing to you while dripping water on the bed.

Dreams are funny. Well, bad-funny, and sometimes I guess they can be funny-funny, but at the moment none of mine are. I keep dreaming things that might turn out to be true, and it really bothers me. I remember last year I dreamed something that actually turned out to be true; it is obviously my sub conscience working it's magic (I already know it - but I won't think about it because it's too painful), but it still terrifies me when it happens. Whether or not what I am dreaming at the moment is true I do not know - I guess I might find out in a few days. Or not, it's hard to tell.

I kind of have to run off now.

It's my party

2007-07-30T11:11:00.000+02:00

And I'll cry if I want to

This is the last thing I should be doing right now. Susanne is picking me up in an hour and we're going out for lunch before it's off to work again at 13.30 until 20.00. I've done some Crestock work, but it seems I have to do more than I thought, and therefore time is running short. So, why the hell am I writing this here, then?

Good question.

My images recently are an ego-fest. How nice.

Hannes called me from Italy yesterday and told me he'd probably call again last night at 2 am. He didn't, I know, I was up until 3 am or something discussing things over msn and listening to music. If I move I can't even bring all of it, how sad is that? Wow, train of thought. A very short train, anyway. I think maybe I'll go get dressed now, so that I can work really hard before I have to run off again. Ugh.

How we operate

2007-07-27T12:38:00.000+02:00

You know I'm no good

I try not to be pretentious, because if there is anything I detest it is pretentious people; but as always you become what you loathe. Just like applying to a bachelor in journalism, even though I hate journalists, (but luckily not sending in my papers - thus not getting accepted) I now realize this whole journal thing is a load of crap. I didn't want this thing to become a bunch of random words put together, I wanted to get to the bottom of it, to be able to just write, express my self freely. I realize now that I cannot, and probably will not ever be able to do this. So, all cards on the table; this is bullshit. Page fillings, a big load of crap.

Phew. Good thing that we got that sortet out.

LOVE! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! What the hell is it? I think it's just one emotion, one kind of attachment, but that when combined with other things (care, attraction, sentimental bonds, family ties and so on) we get all sorts of it. But they're not really different, they are just attachments we form in our brains. So don't be surprised if love changes into something better, worse or something completely different.

What the hell was that?

I'm not sure, maybe after realizing all that comes out of this silly activity that is typing on a keyboard I actually expressed something? Not that I'm sure of anything; I rarely ever am; and this was merely a thought that came to me while I stood in the shower yesterday, water pouring down on me. I also decided something, well, maybe, maybe I decided, maybe I didn't. Point is that I have actually made progress; to hell with standing still, to hell with being scared. All you can do is try, and maybe you'll fail, maybe you'll fail and everything will go to hell, but at least; at least you'll be able to say you tried.

AND YES! I RESERVE THIS POST FOR SOME REALLY BAD PHOTOSHOPPING. Maybe tomorrow I will make something worthwhile - that is, if I have the time.

Song for the songs

2007-07-26T12:03:00.001+02:00

Why me?

There is this guy at work who keeps submitting these awful, awful 3D animations. We are known for being incredibly picky; I can't count all the e-mails I've replied to about how "This picture is good, other agencies have accepted it, what's wong with you people?!!?!", but yet our inspectors seem to be blind when it comes to those stupid 3D images and certain illustrations. I cannot for the love of God ever see anyone thinking they are pretty, or purchasing them for that matter, and Lars agrees with me. Only this morning, while I was looking through our recently accepted stock for Today's Best, I found this horrible image of two heads stuck in mid-air. Ah gawd. And the smiles on them were horrendous! Fucking freaky - enough to give you nightmares.

Speaking of nightmares - I've had my share of them lately. I keep having these awful vivid dreams about people close to me being really mean to me. As I wake up, it takes a while to realize that they are just dreams, and the seconds where they feel like reality I couldn't be more depressed. If dreams really mean something, I am in for a bumpy ride.

I hope we're doing something this weekend. Go out dancing; I know there'll be stupid people, I know the music will suck, but I just need a night out with some friends. I need to start thinking about what to do, I need to decide. My mother doesn't seem to think that me moving to London is a good idea; and I cannot blame her, a few weeks ago I was stuck in bed crying over the guy who wants me to go with him. It's mind boggling how he could even bring him self to do these things to me, and because of that fact I guess I think he wouldn't hesitate too much about doing other things. I want to be with him, and I want us to live together, but I also want to feel safe and not like tomorrow the sky might come falling down on my head.

I have to go remove the blueberries from my teeth now. Afterwards a couple of hours of cleaning will take place, and then maybe I'll be able to finish my other job. Gah.

You probably think this song is about you

2007-07-25T02:05:00.000+02:00

Facts about Finland

"De skjønner godt at det er mulig å få bilen sin tauet inn noen få år på rad. Jeg tolker det slik at de nesten ikke ser bort ifra at det kunne skjedd dem selv. Særlig en av dem, en liten tass som sitter på den asfalterte stien og dunker en gul plastand i asfalten. Han forstår meg, kan jeg merke, og mens han forstår meg, dunker han plastanda si i asfalten. Jeg leser ham som en åpen bok. Han tenker; tre år på rad er ingenting, glem det, legg det bak deg og konsentrer deg om Finland, og nå skal jeg banke denne anda mot asfalten helt til den gir seg, den skal grisebankes mot asfalten, gjentatte ganger, knallhardt, alt jeg kan, den skal bare slåes så jævli hardt mot asfalten, denne anda, den skal dundres, anda, mot asfalten, til den gir seg, men tre år på rad er greit, ikke tenk mer på det. "

-"Fakta om Finland" - Erlend Loe.

At least I get to read some while I sit in the incredibly cold (Thank God for ponchos?), incredibly boring reception. Last time I read Jane Austen's "Emma", today I read some Erlend Loe. Why I keep reading books I have already read, I do not know; maybe I am just lazy; maybe I do not want my senses tickled while on the clock. I wish I could bring the new Harry Potter, but I promised Hannes not to - we're gonna read it out loud to each other. Yes, we're super lame.

I am burning albums. The Beatles. Oh no, now I have to delete them from iTunes. It feels like such a loss. I don't even wanna think about what is next; but my ultimate goal is to burn all my albums on music cds and only have single songs on my computer.

I should go sleep, I slept for a total of 2 and a half hours last night.

Snakes in the Grass

2007-07-24T09:50:00.000+02:00

It's just a ride

Apart from the parental unit and a very hyperactive dog, I am actually home alone. Hannes left really early this morning, Renate and Oliver moved to Renate's house last night (and he just left here about half an hour ago - my parents gave him a ride into town) and I do not feel at all like I expected to feel. I miss Hannes a lot more than I thought I would - but then again I cannot actually bring my self to believe he is coming back this time - and loving him makes that a very confusing thing. I spent a lot of time being angry and upset with him, but at the same time there is this feeling of happiness that you just cannot escape when you see someone you love as much as I love him. It is almost as if I wanted to be more depressed, wanted to be more frustrated with him. Ah, I do not know how to explain it, and it seems so pointless to even try.

I am not sure what to do next. I know what I want him to do, and I know what he wants me to do. I wish it was the same thing, but it isn't. I guess we'll talk more about it if/when he comes back here on the 3rd.

I have a lot of Crestock work piled up and I am working reception between 4 and 11, so I guess I should cut this short and write some other time. I wish I didn't feel so lonely, it is like missing your right arm.

Someone make my last.fm scrobbler work.

FuckUp

2007-07-18T15:54:00.001+02:00

Wishful Thinking

I think I need to go to a kick-boxing class. I have all this aggression in me, bringing me down, making me annoyed at everyone. I am not in the mood to do anything, I just feel like hiding in a hole somewhere until everything bad has passed. Maybe I am looking at my situation in the wrong way, but truth be told; I do not want to do it differently. It would be better, but I do not want to.

I bought a wonderful book from 1963 called "The Works of Oscar Wilde". I do not think it is fair that someone should be able to write poetry as well as prose.

She will not come, I know her well,
Of lover’s vows she hath no care,
And little good a man can tell
Of one so cruel and so fair.
True love is but a woman’s toy,
They never know the lover’s pain,
And I who loved as loves a boy.
Must love in vain, must love in vain.

-A part of "Serenade", Oscar Wilde.

I'm just so angry.

About What You Know

2007-07-06T11:06:00.000+02:00

Ring of fire

I'm coming down with a cold. At the moment it is manageable; I feel like crap when I wake up in the morning and it bothers me throughout the day, but it's not a problem to live with it or anything. I do know it is going to get worse and combined with this slight heat wave we are experiencing, I'm fucked. I know I should not complain, but our house is not designed for summers like these, and it feels like we are living in a giant oven most of the time. The windows and doors are all completely open, but it doesn't really help and I am so incredibly happy I can run away to the basement where it's not really that warm.

Hannes is leaving this Sunday. Well, most likely, anyway. He's only going away for a week, but it's a stupid week to leave me and well.. I don't want him to go! But I get it, he's seeing his family and grandmother, just as he should be. But I can't be too selfish about him, it's like he said yesterday; "Every second spent too far away from you is an accident". AH HA HA HA. Oh, GOD, that is cheesy.

But we're doing .. better than I had expected. He has decided to definitely not go to school in Sweden, and that we might live here for a few months this fall. He's not going to turn down the school in England yet, but then again he doesn't have to decide if he is going or not until like.. September, so that leaves us time to see if we really are this compatible. Right now he's not doing much - he stays home and cleans up and drives me to work and picks me up again, but he seems happy and I'm happy and I don't know what else we could really hope for. I guess one of the reasons why I love him so much is that I enjoy his company so much; I don't really get sick of him. Being kind of sick and grumpy because of the heat makes me scared he'll get annoyed at me, but he's being really sweet (only with an occasional "Jesus Christ" when I get too stupid - but then I usually apologize) and very nice. I'm really happy in my life right now, and while all the pieces of the puzzle has not fallen into place just yet, I don't think I could ask for more.

My job at Crestock is quite nice, although a little challenging. Well, right now I am terrified that I will fuck up, seeing everyone else there is either on leave or sick. Normally Lars watches me like a hawk, reading through all the mails I send out and picking on every little word (Don't get me wrong, I would too if I was in his position), but now I am sitting in the giant room all by my self, getting e-mails from angry eastern Europeans and freaking out because I am actually in charge of everything and there's no one there to help me out should some enormous crisis emerge. But it's fine, it's only for today and Monday. I hope I don't fuck up though, I feel like Lars is taking a chance on me and I don't want him to look bad should I not meet the expectations people obviously have for me.

I guess I should go wake up Hannes. He's so cute when he sleeps, but I need to go to work now. I wonder if he'll buy me FFXII today. :D He said he would - so I'd have something to do while he's gone. :p Ahwell. <3

What The Sea Wants The Sea Will Have

2007-06-28T08:37:00.000+02:00

Better Half

I can't believe I am sitting here eating breakfast. It's so fucking early and last night it was hard to fall asleep because of a beating headache and the cutest boy ever laying next to me, stroking my back. Don't get me wrong; I loved the latter part, but it is really hard to get out of bed when he is in it, and sometimes even harder to fall asleep. I'm so happy I am only working half a day tomorrow, and I have a whole day off on Saturday. I really don't know how much longer I could have kept this up without any decent sleep.

I don't really have anything to write about; but then again that has never stopped me before. I guess I shouldn't write; I am kind of dizzy, and sitting in front of the computer before I have to isn't the best recipe for a good day. I really like my job at Crestock, but when your head aches it's kind of a torture. I never get head aches though, I guess that's why I don't handle them better. And for more happy news; We rented out absolutely all the cabins while I was in the reception last night, so there is plenty to clean. Oh, yay.

I think I am gonna go pack my bed and sneak down under the blanket with Hannes for the remaining half hour. Oh, look at that, I actually wrote "pack my bed". Fun times.

You say Party! We say die!

2007-06-25T19:19:00.001+02:00

Get what you deserve

I'm kind of sick of working, and I've only done a week and a half of it. It is going to help when Hannes gets here on Wednesday, but at the same time I think I will feel a bit guilty because I'm away all the time. Hopefully he'll get a job with a schedule similar to mine.

In other news; we're going to Thailand. For three weeks over Christmas. It will be my first Christmas away since I was tiny, and even then I just went to my grandparents. Hannes might come as well, he has until Thursday to decide.

I'm exhausted, but Christine and Hege are coming over in half an hour. OhmeOhmy.

Here's looking at you, kid! <3

When you wake for certain

2007-06-14T15:42:00.000+02:00

Porchrail

Lavender Diamond has such a melancholy in her voice that it will sometimes break your heart. I like the album "Imagine our love", although sometimes it gets too much and I have to shut her music off.

To the left you can see my new shirt, it says "We found a map to candy mountain" from the youtube video that has been roaming the Shinra IRC chat for a while. I'm totally a pink unicorn, deal with it.

Random randomness to randomness: I'm making dinner today. Spaghetti.. but I don't like minced meat in my sauce, and when I told my dad that if he wants me to make dinner I'll make it in my own way he yelled at me and told me that the meat is the actual "food". Vegetarians all over the world will lynch him. I guess I'll make his stupid meat on the side, so I don't have to deal with it. Hah, take that one, screaming dad.

Wow, the substance of this post is breathtaking.

Uhm, total random link:
http://destroysites.com/

What's your least favorite website? Well, no matter, now you can shoot it until it bleeds! BLEEDS, I SAY, BLEEEEEEEEEDS!

Yay for blood.

This guy wears a webcam 24/7. I'm glad I haven't watched him go to the bathroom. Right now he's laying in his bed sleeping, looking very.. pale.
http://www.justin.tv/justin

My room is a mess. Stupid room.

Take A Walk Around The Table

2007-06-13T21:57:00.000+02:00

Strange Things Are Happening

I feel kind of like someone punched me in the stomach, and when I tried to regain my breath I did not succeed. It is a weird kind of feeling, I wouldn't call it all bad, just.. different. But at the same time I feel like there's a heavy weight on my chest, so you could say that is bad. All together.. I feel pretty lousy.

I am going to start my trial job next monday, and my old boss just texted me from Paris and told me he'll be back tomorrow to plan out what we should do about my other job. I also sorted out my troubles with the IRS, I phoned them up and a very helpful man told me what to do. Chivalry is not completely dead, just kind of paralyzed. I am happy about that, I hate calling people I don't know up.

Hege just left my house. We have been hanging out since she got off from work, and it was quite nice to see her again. Ever since I got back here I have felt lonely and isolated, but after all I do have her and a couple of other friends around. I just suck at staying in touch with them when I am away.

Jenny Owen Youngs - Fuck was I

I want Hannes to pick up his phone. We had a rather strange conversation last night where I spent most of the time crying and he spent a lot of time trying to make me stop. It sounds really bad, but it was actually kind of cute and it made me feel a hell of a lot better than I have been feeling lately. He's the sunshine of my life, even when he's a big black cloud on the sky. Haha, that makes no sense.

I really should unpack some boxes, but it is just so goddammed boring. I don't even have room for everything, I am going to have to prove quite a few laws of nature wrong to fit all my stuff into my new room. It doesn't even make sense - when did I get more stuff, really? I have been broke ass all year!

Ohwell, fight the lano guys, fight the lano.

More heat than light

2007-06-07T05:06:00.000+02:00

Absolutely nothing

"Home is where the heart is, but your heart had to roam".

I want to be someone's person again.

You could claim I'm Hannes' person, but at the moment I feel like I'm anything but just that. We haven't spoken on the phone for almost 5 weeks, I haven't seen him since Easter and it's been 3 days since I even got a text message from him.

This will be another one of those posts, yes.

I just feel so unbelievably lonely sometimes. I'm not sure what is more heartbreaking: missing someone like this, or realizing more and more that the chances for that person missing you as much are nearing nothing more and more every day that passes. I have no idea what the hell is going on. Has he cheated on me? Has he fallen out of love? Or, even worse, does he just not care anymore? I do not know - I do not even know how to find out.

I realize that I am a very intense person. Either I love or hate something, and when I get a liking to something chances are I'll become slightly obsessed with it. Just imagine how I feel about someone who's been a close friend of mine for 6 years and who's been my lover for 4 and a half. It was bound to happen, I knew that, but he made it feel safe in the beginning, like it did not matter how insanely attached I got, because he would be there for me always.

And the lips, they still say the words.. but it's like the eyes do not agree.

I'm a hopeless romantic who needs to clean her kitchen and bedroom before her grand aunt is coming for a 5 minute visit in about 6 hours. Sleep is for the weak.

The only place I can look is down

2007-06-04T13:14:00.000+02:00

It's only time

I did it again. Less than 24 hours to go before my next exam, and I wish I was sleeping. I plan not to sleep tonight, so sleeping to like... 5-6 is probably a hell of a lot smarter than sleeping really badly until 1 pm. Argh.

I have a lot to get through today, About 850 pages of information I haven't read before. Haha, I'm a fucking moron. Please, if some divine being could please give me a photographic memory right about now I would really really appreciate it. Haha.

Yeah, didn't think so..

Why would I stop loving you
a hundred years from now?
It's only time.
It's only time.

What could stop this beating heart
once it's made a vow?
It's only time.
It's only time.

If rain won't change your mind,
let it fall.
The rain won't change my heart
at all.

Lock this chain
around my hand,
throw away the key.
It's only time.
It's only time.

Years falling
like grains of sand
mean nothing to me.
It's only time.
It's only time.

If snow won't change your mind
let it fall.
The snow won't change my heart,
not at all.

(I'll walk your lands)
I'll walk your lands
(And swim your sea)
And swim your sea

Marry me.
Marry me.

(Then in your hands)
Then in your hands
(I will be free)
I will be free

Marry me.
Marry me.

Why would I stop loving you
a hundred years from now?

You and Me and Everyone We know

2007-05-31T01:18:00.001+02:00

If Only I Were a Painter I'd Paint for You the Moon

Sometimes girlfriends get mad and then a good way to soften their mood is to make them a mix tape, mix CD, play list or whatever. I am just saying boys, this is good advice for free right here. Not that anyone has made ME a mix in about forever and a day, but hey, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A FRIEND MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.

...

I am listening to "Cellphone's Dead" by Beck. It is a nice song. I like Beck, he's funky.

I think I am going to go sleep. I haven't laid down in bed in a day and a half, and I am starting to feel quite tired. This is for another day, new opportunities. Put the sun under your wings for the required heat, I am going dancing.

If I needed just one reason to save the world; it would be you.

2007-05-29T23:27:00.000+02:00

She had tried to earth him, instead she had split him.

"What will you do now?"
"I have not the least idea."
"I love you," he said.
The three most difficult words in the world
She touched him as she went past him and slowly down the stairs He listened until he heard the door close a long way off - at the bottom of his life, it seemed.
Then he started to cry.

...

Miss Pinch came visiting, and asked me what I intended to do with my future. She spoke about it as though it were an incurable disease.
"You have a future," she said. "We must take it into account."
She suggested I try for a Junior Trainee Assistant Librarian Temporary Grade on a three-month work placement. She warned me that I shouldn't be too ambitious - not suitable for Females, but that librarian-ship was suitable for Females. Miss Pinch always said Females, holding the word away from her by its tail.
My future had been the lighthouse. Without the lighthouse, I would have to begin again - again.

-Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

7 works of fiction, one 200 page textbook about studying novels and a term list with 55 terms from a 350 page glossary of literary terms. How can I possibly make this?

Because I am nothing short of extraordinary, that is how.

Don't regret your life, child. It will pass soon enough.

Metafiction can go SUCK it

2007-05-29T16:23:00.000+02:00

Please don't talk to me I fall in love so easily

The weather is really nice, the sun is shining, the temperature is warm but not too warm, there is a little bit of wind and it's a perfect day for a stroll in the park or a BBQ.

But I'm stuck inside studying!

I brought it on my self. Yesterday was Vivian's birthday and we decided to spend it in denial, doing everything but revising for our exams. After she went to bed on Sunday night I baked a cake, decorated the kitchen with balloons and set the table with her presents and birthday cups and plates. We had breakfast at 11.30 the next morning, and proceeded with watching some episodes of Extras (David Bowie for the fucking WIN) and other random crap. Vivian's dad was in town, and after making dinner plans with him we watched Billy Elliott while eating crisps and laying in my bed. Good times. We went to the Chinese restaurant we always order from, but both of us were full from the crisps and soda, so we couldn't eat that much. We finished off the evening by watching Pirate's of the Caribbean 3, which was better than I expected. I liked it a lot more than I liked the second movie (merely a shadow of the first), and the multiple Jack Sparrows running around didn't hurt either. Instead of being responsible adults and going to bed when we came back we spent a few hours between the covers and pillows in my bed, watching crappy TV shows and eating Vivian's favorite 7/11 snack: Pink doughnuts.

English Tea

I am moving out of here for good in less than 2 weeks and it's making me more and more sad. I am not just going to miss Vivian like crazy, but this freedom and all the opportunities that comes from living in a larger city than Bodø. It is not that bad back home, but it is worse than this place, and now that I am moving I feel like I have thrown away all my chances and that I have pretty much blown this whole year. Ah, I think the best idea is to just not think about it right now and go back to my termlist, textbook and 7 works of fiction I need to get through before 9 am tomorrow morning.

When you're on your own
When you're at a fork in the road
You don't know which way to go
There's too many signs and arrows
You haven't laughed in a while
When you can't even fake a smile
When you feel ashamed
The uniform don't make you brave

All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it
When the day is long and the night is coming down on you
All I can do

For old times..

2007-05-21T17:06:00.001+02:00

I wanted to just show this off

I remember this pretty well. Not that it is very old, but yeah, it's really funny. Those silly Danish people..

WATCH THIS, PEOPLESSSS!

Happiness is silent, or speaks equivocally for friends,
Grief is explicit and her song never ends,
Happiness is like England, and will not state a case,
Grief, like Guilt, rushes in and talks apace.

Stevie Smith

My mother called me Silver. I was born part precious metal part pirate.

2007-05-16T00:42:00.000+02:00

Lighthousekeeping

"I have no father. There's nothing unusual about that, even children who do have fathers are often surprised to see them. My own father came out of the sea and went back that way. He was crew on a fishing boat that harboured with us one night when the waves were crashing like dark glass. His splinted hull shored him for long enough to drop anchor inside my mother.
Shoals of babies vied for life.
I won."
-Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

That was taken from the opening of the book I am currently reading. It's on my curriculum. Vivian has read it and says it's the best work on the list, except maybe "The yellow wall-paper", which was a short story I enjoyed quite a lot my self. We have a lot of female writers, and I enjoy that.

My head hurts and I'm lonely. The summer seems so far away with all the rain outside, and one part of me feels sad about that and the other one is comforted. I don't like my life right now, other than living with someone I like living with in a rather nice apartment I am not happy, but at the same time I am scared of the summer. I am scared I'll be even lonelier, and if I end up that way I wont even have Vivian to bother. I'll be pretty much by my self in a house that is way too big for one person. Last summer I spent over three weeks living there without my parents, and at times it got lonely at night. If Hannes ends up standing me up I don't predict a better outcome for this summer.

But you have to stay positive, I guess. It's almost our independence day and I'll be spending it with Vivian, barbecuing if the weather allows. No matter what I'll be eating a bunch of popsicles, as the tradition requires. I wont be wearing my traditional dress, but whatever, that thing is such a drag to put on anyway.

I cannot believe I am actually going home in a few weeks. It's going to be so weird, because I am actually moving there for the time being. And unless I move out with Hannes, there's a 50/50 chance I might just stay and work, at least until September, and that is 4 very long months. Then I'll have to move out on my own, God knows where. That is certainly not the only reason I hope Hannes wont screw me over and change all of our plans, but it's one of them, moving out on my own without even a school to go to is pretty overwhelming. I guess I could pick up some of my stuff and go on a world tour all by my self, but that also sounds like asking for trouble. Knowing my self I'd end up screwing something up, with no safety net to fall back on and no one to help me out.

Girl, Interrupted

2007-05-13T21:40:00.000+02:00

The Only Moment We Were Alone

This is definitely not a good day for me. I'm not sure what I feel, but it's not a good feeling, even if it's disturbingly familiar. I woke up with this feeling, I went to the bathroom and splashed water in my face with this feeling, I said hello to Vivian with this feeling. I kind of want to take a walk, but for some reason I have a feeling it will only make matters worse.

I want to be familiar with my self. I want to know how I will feel when I wake up in the morning. I want to know what my reactions to different situations will be, I don't want to be my own stranger. But then again, so does the rest of the world. Whatever we do, whatever we feel, we are not alone. We will never be alone. And as comforting as that might sound to some, it's also an incredibly depressing thought to deal with when you're in the middle of trying to find your self. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you think, there'll always be someone who's just about the same as you, just better.

At the moment, I feel like someone has knocked me over in the process of dragging the rug underneath me away. I'm holding on to it with claws and teeth, but all I end up doing is destroying it while it slips away. Why can't I be better? Why can't I just let it go and hope that something new and better will replace it in the future? Why can't I just be happy? For all of life's beautiful things, there is enough shit to cover it twice - I'm just making it even more difficult for my self. But I don't believe in fate, I believe in working towards what I want. The fact that am incredibly destructive in my behavior goes against all that - in fact it seems that instead of fighting for things I just wreck them until nothing is left, and it's actually fate that holds what I care about together. It's a very confusing scenario, I'll tell you that.

Whatever, whatever, I'll just follow the stream and see where life leads me.

Here comes the sun

2007-05-11T02:46:00.000+02:00

Everybody's happy nowadays

So today some odd people came and took a look at our apartment. It was pretty weird, they didn't seem deserving enough to live here, but at the same time it sucked to have my personal space invaded like that so I hope they take it. That way we will not have to do it again, and also I might have to pay only half of the rent for June, after all we'll be staying here for about 10 days or so..

Watching the Eurovision Song Contest obviously sucked ass, since we didn't qualify and, well, our song was incredibly, incredibly lame. I'm also sad that DJ Bobo and his mannequin vampires didn't move on, nor those.. incredibly lame Blink 182 rip-off kids from Andorra. Having someone sing in Catalan should have qualified them alone, besides they made me laugh. Luckily the Turkish dude came through and got a spot, we called him "The little man with the bow-tie". It's a given that we'll be watching the proper show on Saturday, but I foresee a lot of very bitter booing. I don't know what it is, I've only liked about a handful of the Norwegian entires (and I've been watching since I was a little girl), but there's nothing like the national pride that makes me shout and scream when we're nearing the end of the voting. Hannes knows how this works, he was with me when Norway won the World Idol contest, HAHA THAT WAS FUNNY! I'm also quite sure Renate knows what I am talking about, as I've spent quite a few of the Eurovision finals with her.

I finished even more mail yesterday, while watching some lame movie online. I have 7 letters/packages that I need to send off, and it's gonna cost me. As I know I have a job when I get back I might ask my mother for a small loan; I'd like not to have to spend my last few weeks here eating noodles and not doing things. I am not sure how that will fly, but let us all hope for a positive outcome.

Oh, and btw, Lano Mix/Mix for May 2007 has been completed. I usually make a mix each month, but this month has been a bit different because I had to finish it before the end of the month, hence the alternative name. I've never published it though, but now I will, and here you go: (Please don't rip on me for the poor choices, this is a somewhat a completely random collection of songs I've been listening to lately..)

1. The Cops - Cop Pop
2. Y.A.C.H.T. - See a penny (Pick it up)
3. Sondre Lerche - Phantom Punch
4. The Beatles - Her Majesty
5. Page France - Me, Violin and Dancing bear
6. José González - Hand on your heart
7. Rufus Wainwright - Going to a town
8. Elliott Smith - All cleaned out
9. Albert Hammond, Jr. - Bright young thing
10. Nina Simone - Here comes the sun
11. Novi Split - California skies
12. The Bluetones - Nae Hair On't
13. Sarah Blasko - Planet new year
14. Belles Will Ring - It's only goodbye
15. Charles Wright - Express yourself
16. Tobias Froberg - What Goes around (Yes, this is a Justin Timberlake cover)
17. Hot Chip - My Piano
18. Travis - Battleships
19. Butterfly Boucher - A beautiful book
20. Mystery Jets - You can't fool me Dennis

I might try to find a way to upload it, but I kind of doubt anyone wants to download it, since 2 people read this blog and neither of them share my musical taste enough to really appreciate it anyway. Yep. And with that I shall sign off.. and not sleep, because that will never happen.

Sky Blue Sky

2007-05-09T04:43:00.000+02:00

I don't mean to get high

Some interesting and mellow releases this month; including Travis' "The Boy With No Name" And Wilco's "Sky Blue Sky". I've gotten my hands on a couple of tracks from both albums, and I have got to say I am liking it, at least considering the genre.

With a sky blue sky
This rotten time
Wouldn’t seem so bad to me now
Oh, I didn’t die
I should be satisfied
I survived
That's good enough for now

I cannot hold on to the fact that I will be moving out of this apartment in about a month. It has been a year filled with joy, sadness and a lot of anger. Vivian couldn't have been a better room mate, and although this has basically been a social experiment with us not getting any other friends I have felt lonely surprisingly seldom. I am really going to miss her, and when she's off to New Zealand in January 2008 I know I'll feel both proud, happy and a little bit sad. It's slightly harder to pop in for a visit when the person lives on the other side of the world.

Living with someone who has enough control over their life to know what they'll be doing in a year's time obviously gets you thinking. What the hell will I be doing next year around this time? In my heart I'm hoping I will be living with Hannes, but I cannot say that I don't see that projection as somewhat doubtful, considering our past and even our present. I am not quite sure where he stands, I know what I want and I know what I want to happen, and even if he says that is what he wants as well I cannot help but to have doubts, which I feel ok with knowing that if he does stand me up again I cannot allow my self to get completely crushed; after all I thought it might happen. A horrible outlook on life, but come on, I'm dealing with a shady Swede. To brighten this up a bit I shall now post a video for one of the new Travis songs, definitely worth a watch. That's a hell of a lot of t-shirts, yo!

I have 11 books to get through, but this time I will make it. Quite a lot of it is tedious fiction (Reading "Wuthering Heights" again is not something I can say I am looking forward to) but when it comes down to it the material is quite interesting. After getting a green (and a very green at that) light on my essay I know I will sit all my remaining exams, and now I feel prepared to kick ass this last month living at Teh Starship. I can do it, I can win at life once again.

I love you kids, even if you really suck at commenting.

Again and again

2007-05-01T23:30:00.000+02:00

I hate Camera

Say my name, say my name, say my stupid name
It's stupid how we always seem to do it again, oh

You're so stupid and perfect
And stupid and perfect
I hate you, I want you
I hate you, I hate you, oh
Again, again, again, again

La, la, la
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

It is incredible how the human mind works, confusing the hell out of us until we are down on our knees begging for it to stop. Some of us reach an age of one hundred years, but we still cannot figure out how to do this properly. For generations we are born, raised, we breed and then die, but still no one can think of a perfect recipe to make life worth that extra mile we have to travel every day. At least that is how I look at it. It seems like such a drag, and the only real reason for going on is because we honestly do not know any better, and death is such a big and scary deal. I am not suggesting that we all go kill our selves, but surely, there must be a way to maximize the experience! It is so true what they say, we only have one life, some of us shorter than others. Yet we waste our time doing boring and pointless crap, trying to fit in with the rest of the world. Why do we have the ability to take things for granted? Why do we always learn to stop looking at the beautiful flowers and turn to generic plastic objects that make our life easier instead? Why do we even want life to be easy, isn't the struggle part of the thrill? Whatever it is, I cannot figure it out.

That didn't even make sense, but I'm so beyond the point of caring that I could throw up.

I'll see you when you're gone

2007-04-28T13:49:00.000+02:00

And you better be good

I did a horrible, horrible thing. I forgot someone. And now I feel terrible, as I should. I am going to try to make up for it, but I doubt I will ever forgive my self. Not that I even should, gosh, I suck.

According to Vivian, today is the official Pajamas day. That means we are all supposed to wear pajamas the whole day, no matter what we do or where we go. She has been doing it for 3 years in a row or something, but I cannot really remember it from last year. But then again she wore pajamas a lot. In my case I am alright about it, but I feel a bit weird since I kind of need to go to the store, and all my pajamas are either weird looking or knee high. Ohmyohmy.

Your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe
There's people always dying trying to keep them alive
There's bodies decomposing in containers tonight
In an abandoned building where
The squatters made a mural of a Mexican girl
With fifteen cans of spray paint and a chemical swirl
She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world

Today I am filled with a feeling of panic for various reasons. I guess one of them is apparent, but I am still hoping for better news in that department (even if it is starting to look pretty grim). AI CARAMBA. I had various fucked up dreams tonight. They involved most of my friends from back home, and cake. We were all at Renate's house, and Fox was acting up and Stian was incredibly tall (even taller than he is in real life) and her father was running around yelling at Fox. That's all I want to write about it, because it got quite strange from there.

The Medication is not working, come on world, get me high!

As I start to wonder why I am even writing this I realize that there's a lot to be done in the world, and plenty of people to do it. What is the difference between you and them? Perhaps you do not turn out to be as lazy and selfish. Yeah, sorry for all the bullshit, it is just another one of those days.

This
This life is boring
This
This life right now is snoring
But that's all right
That's okay
It's still worth living

When it is not I got the gun for my head
And I want to break free instead
But I could never pull the trigger
I get too scared
So I stand up instead
I go wild

Dear, dear man
Be nice to your girl
She knows that you could
Live without her
And so she cries in your arms
Every night
Til you walk out the door
She goes wild

Oh, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song,
There's a song
It's in my head
There's a song, there's a song
A little country song It's in my head

I think I'm worth the wait

2007-04-25T23:21:00.000+02:00

Never leave your heart alone

I am actually not quite sure why I am writing today. Or, well, right now. I am sure I could have thought of something
earlier today, or perhaps later tonight as I avoid going to sleep, but right now my mind is pretty blank. It is not an ideal state when you are trying to write a very important essay, I will tell you that.

Today has been like all the other days, except not at all. We made the things that are featured on the picture; a great success, apparently it is the baking in the oven that get various results (Yes, Oliver, I am looking at you and your response). We had like 4 of them for desert, so now I feel quite stuffed.

It's a typical situation in these typical times
Too many choices, hey yeah
It's a typical situation in these typical times
Too many choices

Everybody's happy everybody's free
Keep the big door open, everyone'll come around
Why're you different, why are you that way
If you don't get in line we'll lock you away

Two is a perfect number

While we ate pasta with tomato sauce we watched Pom Poko, another Studio Ghibili classic. I kind of failed to understand the moral of the story, but hey, the raccoons were pretty cool at times. But to be honest I feel like such an idiot going on about food and movies when really all I want to write about is hos much things suck. I will not listen to my self. I am trying something new and it will probably suffocate me completely, but at least I will hold on until then. What? I do not really know.

It all comes down to nothing
Six senses feeling five around a sense of self
Four season turn on'n turn off
I can see three corners from this corner
Two's a perfect number
But one, well

I guess that is me.

Another version of the truth

2007-04-23T23:59:00.000+02:00

Eventually it'll break your heart

I am lonely down to the bone. I hate to complain about it, but seriously, I am lonely down to the bone. The room I am sitting in is not particularly large or small, but it is suffocating me in a way that makes it feels like it is the biggest empty void in the history of the universe. I know that is a complete contradiction, I guess that only makes my feelings worse. The fact that I am terrified out of my mind and in a total state of panic does not help either. Hurrah.

I guess the reasons behind my feelings are apparent. Although, different people have different parts of the puzzle, so no one really has an overview of the entire scenery. I do not even have that, and in a way that makes me happy because I think I would freak out if I did. I tend to focus on one problem at the time not to get too overwhelmed. The downside is that there is always something to worry about that way, you never get everything out of the way and the breaks from total panic are rare.

I miss you guys, all of you.

Dear Mr. Supercomputer

2007-04-22T22:27:00.000+02:00

Welcome, ghosts

Am I working? Not really. When I took this picture I kind of was though, so I guess that's better than nothing. I really cannot concentrate, and this feels so unimportant, so it's hard to keep on working for more than 2 seconds at a time. I really want to hear from Hannes as well, I don't know where he is, but he did promise to call today. Not that I feel like I can trust his word when it comes to that, but then again there is always hope in my heart that he will follow through with what he says. I am not sure if that makes me a fool or not.

Goooo failure-kari, go!

Tears for affairs

2007-04-22T15:27:00.000+02:00

Blow him back into my arms

I pray the wind will blow.

It's a strange kind of sentimental feeling you get when you see your life crashing down before your eyes, not even in a position to stop it. And the things you can change, they seem so stupid and pointless and depressing that you can barely manage to even try.

Am I losing you? And you? And you, and you and you? Am I losing everything? Am I losing my mind, am I going to completely change my future because I cannot go through with whatever is in fact needed of me? I have got this tendency to just ignore things, pretend the problems are not there in order not to sink back into whatever dump I was in last fall. Because I honestly think that if I went back to that, I would surely die. But pretending nothing is wrong and ignoring the much needed solutions is just going to make things worse, and I'll have even more to deal with once life catches up with me. In fact, then I will have real problems to deal with instead of just trying to find a way out of situations that I could have avoided but did not. I guess I am so scared of failing that I do not even bother trying. But then again, that is classic Kari behavior.

Everything is temporary

2007-04-21T17:16:00.000+02:00

I wanna be adored

And I wanna be Louis Theroux, documentary film-maker with two passports! He has a dream job, getting to seek out incredible and special people (good and bad), and live amongst them while filming. He has also got the kind of personality that I like, and I think he angles his stories and documentaries very well. I've known about him for a while, but never really watched much of his stuff, especially not his own show. I started watching his piece on "The most hated family in America", the Phelps family, and went on from there.

Shocking, quite sad and man how I feel for those children. You should check out some of his work:

http://www.tv-links.co.uk/show.do/1/1376

I want you (She's so heavy)

So, another day, another worry. No, no, actually it is my father's 50th birthday today, so I guess I should dedicate this entry to him. I really do hope he will never read it though, because that would mean he has found this blog, and that would be problematic. Do you ever think about that? What would happen if your family found your blogs and picture diaries and music sites and web pages and whatever? In my case it would be bizarre, surreal, and probably change the way they would look at me for the rest of my life. I feel like such a different person on here, and the honesty I write with just fails with them. It is not because they are bad people, it is just because they are difficult to talk to and deal with, and in the end mostly because I'm actually just a big fat coward.

I think that is enough for now, but fear not, I'll definitely be back.

Dump for broken dreams

2007-04-19T22:31:00.000+02:00

Almost crimes

I swear, this assignment will be the death of me. Alright, maybe not. No, this is not going to turn into one of those whiny entries, but really, I gotta get this off my chest: I don't wanna do this. I wanna start studying for my exams and go outside. But wait, what's outside?

Snow.

Yes, bloody snow. Snow in April isn't that uncommon, at least not where I come from, but here it is pretty shocking. A few days ago I was making plans with Vivian to have a BBQ and take trips and do all kinds of nice outdoorsy activities. We even bough popsicles to put in the freezer, and now we've been cheated of this as well!

Our lives are rather monotone as of now, or perhaps that is what they are not, that is what they should be. Last night we suddenly got the urge to be terribly irresponsible and waste all of our time watching 8 episodes of LOST. We both have quite amazing persuasive skills, but then again the people we are trying to persuade (our selves) are not resisting it one bit.

I cannot tell you why I smile

So LOST was quite exciting, but it obviously bothers me that it was the highlight of my day. I had a little contact with Hannes, but my worries and fears kind of polluted that and he pretty much ended up never replying to a rather awful text message I wrote. I do not know why I get like that, I guess part of me still blames him, and some of my problems right now are still based around him and what he does (and does not do). It is really something I should try to stop doing, as my mother says; it's impossible to change anyone but your self - but sometimes things just feel so bloody unfair and it is pretty much because of something he has done. I am no saint, I do stupid things all the time, but I really do try to learn from my own mistakes.

I love how I communicate with Vivian, we have our own way of talking to each other, making life a little easier and a bit more fun. It is not the language, even if it is a lot of fun it doesn't make that big of a difference, it is just the way we pay attention to each other and the way we take interest. We do have a bad influence on each other, but in some way we manage anyway. It is going to be quite sad to leave her and this apartment, it really has become worthy of it's name "The Starship".

All systems red

What bothers me the most about this assignment, and the course in general, is that it is kind of up my alley. I am quite interested in language, and even though grammar has never been my strong suit, it does interest me. I think my brain has some kind of chip in it, making me lose interest in things that I need to do, starting to focus on things I really do not need to do. It is bloody annoying, that is what it is, but all you can do about it is suck it up and do whatever you do not feel like doing.

I guess I really need to try to work now. I walked over to my desk and got my book earlier, but to be honest I have only opened it to take pictures of my self flipping it off. Hell yes, I am a bad, bad girl. Someone should definitely punish me.

In all seriousness; I will do this, and I will do it well. Then I will sleep, get up again and do more work. I'll repeat that twice and on Monday I shall turn in an assignment I am proud of. And then I shall start working on the essay I have to write before the 30th, and I'll manage that as well. Because that's what you do in life.

You manage.

Two suns in the sunset

2007-04-18T14:20:00.000+02:00

Die motherfucker die

My meeting with my professor went relatively well; that is if you do not consider that I overslept; had to run to school; got lost in the hallway and forgot the note with the room number. Argh. The actual meeting went fine, we just talked about the essay I spent about 4 hours writing down, 5 hours before the deadline. I started feeling weird in the middle of it though, so it was a bit hard to concentrate. After a little trip to the book store (I bought a philosphy book on sale) a very weird man came up to me and started chit-chatting about the weather. I politely excused my self and started heading home; the thought of sitting 2 hours in the lecture hall made me want to cringe. I got back here after talking to my mother on the way home, she suggests that I call the student medical services tomorrow if I don't get completely well. God, I am so sick of being, well, sick.

Yesterday was pretty relaxed. We did get up at 8, and I spent the whole day being really tired since I only slept about 2 hours, but hey, what can you do? Well, I guess I could have made an effort to go to sleep when I got back from school around 10.30, but then I didn't feel tired. I kind of paid for that later, while we watched Sense and Sensibility for school, seeing it made me fall asleep. I always feel dreadful when I fall asleep in warm places without brushing my teeth first, so I pretty much just wanted to die.

Wish you were here

Right now I am watching "The Riches", which is turning out to be a pretty good show! Eddie Izzard is cool, and the youngest kid is just so messed up and cute. I'm only on the second episode, so there's still 4 more to go before I've run out of ones to stream. I think there are 7 or something in total. I really should not watch these right now, God knows I have enough to do without watching TV shows. There's another linguistics assignment due this Monday, and I have yet to start that one. I also have to read Sense and Sensibility, but I'm looking forward to that anyway. Just too bad that philosophy book looks a lot more intriguing at the moment, but then again I always feel compelled to read the things I don't necessarily have to read instead of what I really ought to.

Ah man, I miss Hannes so much, I wish he'd send me a textmessage or call me. :/

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

No distance left to run

2007-04-17T01:48:00.000+02:00

Publish my love

Another day, another memory, another picture, another .. what am I on about anyway? You try to put your thoughts into words, but you end up failing every time.

I'm adaptable and I like my new role
I'm getting better and better
And I have a new goal
I'm changing my ways where money applies
This is not a love song

I'm not well yet, that much is apparent. I guess what remains to see is whether or not this drug will work, and if I will be alright after the cure is over. I really hope so, going to the doctor is fairly expensive and really, I'm a poor student. I never used to think about my health much, and now it takes up a much larger portion of my time than I would like. Then again, I was really sick as a kid, but then I stayed healthy for many years. We can't have it all, it would be too easy.

After passing out around 5 am last night, I woke up at the wonderful hour of 2 pm. As the day was already pretty much over, I tried to do some damage control; shopping; cleaning; showering and doing some minor budgeting. Returning from the shop I found my self having difficulties carrying all the groceries the very short walk back to my apartment. During my minor budgeting I found that Vivian is way ahead of me on our overview, and I wanted to correct that a little. I bought a lot of food for both of us, and some juices and yogurt on the doctor's orders. It was a nice trip; I listened to my iPod and enjoyed my self among all the people, even if I looked like a stupid cow.

People of the earth are you hearing me
I'm dropping you a line from the cosmic city
There's nothing on the telly and the radio's shite
So I'm gonna blow you off with my meteorite

Sucking too hard on your lollipop - love's gonna get you down

Seeing Vivian again was great. We immediately started speaking our own little language, and it didn't take long for us to start yelling and laughing and running around like we always do. She (as me) had gotten a little tired of being at home with her parental unit, so she seemed quite happy to be back at the starship. We ate mozzarella and pesto pizza while watching the first episode of Futurama. Another amusing activity we partook in was raiding the 10 NOK marked at ICA maxi like the startroopers we are. A lot of worthless stuff was purchased, including some over priced popsicles that came with stick-on zoo animal tattoos. They also had some code we could register online, but when we tried that it did not work. This obviously pissed us off, so a lot of swearing and yelling occurred during the hours of.. ah, who am I kidding, we do nothing but curse at the sky.

It is now 4.22 am and I really need to sleep. I am attending a Prose lecture in less than 4 hours, and we usually leave half an hour or so beforehand. That leaves me about 2 hours to sleep if I am lucky and manage to fall asleep right away. Chances are I will not, but hey, a girl can dream.

Peace out guys, hope to see you soon.

In the daylight hours
I go out and kill the flowers
Faces all too clear
Keep on looming near

Are you lonely?
Are you lonely?
Are you lonely?

I know I am.

About a boy

2007-04-16T00:56:00.000+02:00

Don't you (forget about me)

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey
Ohhhh.....

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

Spring in Trondheim

2007-04-15T21:58:00.000+02:00

I Don't Need Love, I've Got My Band

Sometimes I catch my self staring into thin air, wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. I know this is somewhat of a common problem, but I consider it such a waste of time. I already spend all of my time thinking; when I try not to think all I end up doing is trying not to think about thinking, resulting in thinking about how I cannot stop thinking. I remember this scenario from when I was about 8, and I still cannot figure it out. Some people know exactly what I mean, others have no idea how it is not to be able to not think at all times.

I'm not sure why I made this blog. Sometimes I just need a place to put down my thoughts, no questions asked. But then again, publishing them on the internet the chance of questions being asked increases significantly. I have tried to write in my moleskine but as always I can not finish that project either. Actually, I never really started, my last entry was written sometime last year. In fact, I did not even date the entry, another brilliant decision on my part.

Jesus, I wish I could get the flow back into my writing. I suffer the terrible faith of too many commas, paragraphs and a very absent mind. It's hard to deal with.

Love will tear us apart

My "band" (or collaboration, if you mind) with Hannes suffered a little after we changed our name from "Kah" to "Long Distance Pirates". We were supposed to record all of our songs over again (G-d knows we need to, all our recordings are first takes and I sound horrible), but then we sort of forgot about it. I suppose that happens when you are busy hanging out with people who act like a couple, but will not admit to being one, or you just like making out a lot. On that subject (Hannes, not music), I am not quite sure what the deal is. We are going a bit back and forth, my problem being that even though he is a bit of a shithead from time to time, I feel that we are so close to the finish line of this part (the painful, sucky long distance part) that I cannot bail. I would hate my self forever, perhaps (and hopefully) even more so than if I just let him go right now. Besides, he seems to believe in us, so I guess that is one.

He is really good with my family. Always so nice and polite, and he even gets them better than me. We doubled with my parents at a fancy restaurant this Saturday, and while I got annoyed and slightly aggravated at their lame attempts of being funny or give me lectures, he just smiled and took it as a man. He even talked to my mother about her helping him get a job within the health sector this summer. I really hope it happens this year.

Nothing Like You And I

I'm getting really tired. I stayed up all night with Hannes, watching Gilmore Girls and laying in bed holding him tight. You must never underestimate the human touch, it can work such wonders on lonely, absent minds. So, that being said I shall bid you farewell, and hope to see you tomorrow, or something. Not that anyone actually knows about this place yet, but maybe in a day, week, month, year or decade they will, and they can go back and read this.

Goodbye Sad Songs.