Why do I still make my bed for two?

I'm struggling

Trying to keep my head over surface level so I will not drown is hard.

Very hard.

You try to keep busy doing things. But then those things make it harder. You think "Oh, I wish I could tell... oh". You think "Well, maybe I just have to keep my self busy and then the only problem is the moment when I go to sleep and when I wake up when all the world is around you but you still feel lonely down to the core", but then you realize you feel lonely down to the core right there on that bus and you miss him so much you just want to scream.

I feel like I know what is going to happen. Everything points towards a very sad and lonely route, and I am doing everything to avoid it. I want to avoid it, I want it more than anything. But I'm not driving, I'm not even in the passenger seat, I'm being dragged by chains from the back of the truck. I can't even untie them right now, there is nothing I can do but sit here and wait for what feels like an execution. Oh my God, I'm such a drama queen.

But even if he's hurt me, even if he's ignoring me right now for God knows what reason, I love him. He's my better (and kind of worse) half, he makes me want to accomplish things, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning. And not even being able to reach him to say "I miss you" is dragging me apart. I'd put everything aside just to get to talk to him right now, his voice provides me with more comfort than anything else in the world.

Maybe I make my bed for two because it's made for two. Or maybe it's because I'm delusional and I think he'll walk in the door tomorrow.

I would give the sun and the moon for a hug from you right about now.

I shouldn't write this here

I am doing it anyway.

I don't know what to do. Inner turmoil is the best description for my feelings right now. I'm all over the place, emotions raging, cries yelped, tears floating all over the place.

I don't know what to do.

There's no one to talk to, nothing to say, the only thing I can do is sit here and shake a little, punch the table, try to breathe, try not to suffocate, try not to run far far away.

But that's what I want. I want to run so far away that I don't know where I am, or how to get back. I want to escape, where no one can reach me and I'm not my self. I don't want to be me, I don't want my own feelings.

"Even I am not that mean. I wouldn't leave when I say I'm not."

Turns out, honeypie, you probably are.

What's that crap about better to have loved than not? Augustine, fucking crap. Fucking crap, crap, crap. I'm not feeling this, this is not happening to me. Something like this shouldn't be swallowing me whole, am I not more of a person than that?

No. Pathetic piece of shit.

You say I must eat so many lemons..

..cus I am so bitter.

HUIIII, hvor det går.

Famous last words, I guess. Or, you wish they were. You all wish they were your famous last words because that would mean you died in a crazy rollercoaster ride, throwing your self off a plane or doing some other crazy high risk sport. But most of us die in hospitals, sick, elderly, even demented. It's sad. We keep avoiding death until we have reached the same stage we were as babies. Life goes from very low, to very high, but for some reason we all think that going back lower than we even were when we were infants is something to be longed after. Live forever, I guess.

A horrible concept, really; I want to be old, that's not it at all. But I want to be old and sane, I want to be old and enjoying the winter of my life. HAHA, what utter bullshit. Full of it today, I guess.

http://www.fabulist.org/

Having been a pretty steady reader of it for a while, I must say that the fabulist! still surprises me. It's a dangerous read (I found my self getting stuff from etsy a few times after reading it), but completely worth it. I'm a little mad at her for not spelling Jens Lekman's name right in her "The Beginning Of A Dawning Of A Brand New Day Mix", but hey, these things happen. Lerkman is a pretty cool name anyway.

I got my first textmessage from Hannes since like... June yesterday. Oh, how fun. Now he can go back to not picking up his cell phone instead of his home phone. <3

You do what you love and fuck the rest

A million middle fingers

For once, I would like to write an update that actually contained something. I'm not even talking about anything worthwhile; I just want to be able to say whatever. But I cannot, something is holding me back, and even if I could think of what it is, I wouldn't be able to put it down here.

I'm scared, I am terrified, there are no more chances left to give, and this is the end of the line. What the hell is going to happen? Good things, I hope, but at the same time all the good things have turned sour, they do not compare, and they are tainted by all the events which took place this summer. I turned around, and my life turned into a mess. I guess I should have seen it coming - I guess I was in denial, but that doesn't change the fact that it hit me harder than anything has ever hit me before. I'm not my self anymore, and I'm actually not sure who I have become. I hope it's someone that my friends and family can learn to like.

It's never too late to get up and go.

You better wake up

12441 and counting

I don't feel well on the inside. As far as my outside is concerned, that isn't important, I am not talking about physical pain. Right now I am experiencing this nagging kind of pain in my chest, aching, breaking me up from the inside. I don't want to feel this way, but there is actually nothing I can do to feel better. I guess I'll just have to wait until it passes.

Loneliness won't.

It's been almost a week since Hannes left, but it might as well been a year. Things have gone back and forth in a flying, hasty manner, and we're still not completely decided in what to do. Or, he says he is, but I'd like some proof. Speaking of proof, I would also like him to call me, I only spoke to him briefly earlier today and I guess I am assuming he will call me back. That's what's boyfriends do, right?

Ah, I just want everything to be OK for once.

Wearing Influences On Our Sleeve-Less T-shirts

Choose how to lose it all

We keep going to bed way, way too late, and here I am again, trying to work when I really need to be sleeping instead. At least they called me from the camping and told me that they don't really need me to come clean, so I can work reception instead.

I've kind of made up my mind. Actually, I have made up my mind; there should be no kind of in that sentence. So there you go.

Curious what I've made it up to? You're going to have to ask me. Obviously I don't want everyone to know through this blog. Pfft, silly you.

Why is paypal fucking everything up? Lars texted me this morning after some dude called him from Australia in the middle of the night. Nice one, people. Stupid fucking paypal!

Hm, I don't have to go in until 13.30, it is currently 11.30, and I have to be ready in about an hour so me and Hannes can go grab something to eat before work. I think I can allow my self to go back to bed for 20 minutes.. I have done most of the work and I'm just so tired!

..hmm..

What an awful blog entry. I think I'll finish this off by telling you all that I really want to make the best out of the rest of the summer. I'm going to be working at the camping until the 22nd or so, and then.. we'll see. But until then we should try to do a lot of things all the time. Love!

Sky Phenomenon

If You Ever Need a Stranger (to sing at your wedding)

I haven't slept well. Not that I have the past few weeks, but tonight was particularly bad. It didn't help that my alarm was set to 8.30 either, and I kept pushing it again and again until 10.10. Lucky for me there wasn't much to do, and I even had time to take a shower. I am sitting here typing to you while dripping water on the bed.

Dreams are funny. Well, bad-funny, and sometimes I guess they can be funny-funny, but at the moment none of mine are. I keep dreaming things that might turn out to be true, and it really bothers me. I remember last year I dreamed something that actually turned out to be true; it is obviously my sub conscience working it's magic (I already know it - but I won't think about it because it's too painful), but it still terrifies me when it happens. Whether or not what I am dreaming at the moment is true I do not know - I guess I might find out in a few days. Or not, it's hard to tell.

I kind of have to run off now.

It's my party

And I'll cry if I want to

This is the last thing I should be doing right now. Susanne is picking me up in an hour and we're going out for lunch before it's off to work again at 13.30 until 20.00. I've done some Crestock work, but it seems I have to do more than I thought, and therefore time is running short. So, why the hell am I writing this here, then?

Good question.

My images recently are an ego-fest. How nice.

Hannes called me from Italy yesterday and told me he'd probably call again last night at 2 am. He didn't, I know, I was up until 3 am or something discussing things over msn and listening to music. If I move I can't even bring all of it, how sad is that? Wow, train of thought. A very short train, anyway. I think maybe I'll go get dressed now, so that I can work really hard before I have to run off again. Ugh.

How we operate

You know I'm no good

I try not to be pretentious, because if there is anything I detest it is pretentious people; but as always you become what you loathe. Just like applying to a bachelor in journalism, even though I hate journalists, (but luckily not sending in my papers - thus not getting accepted) I now realize this whole journal thing is a load of crap. I didn't want this thing to become a bunch of random words put together, I wanted to get to the bottom of it, to be able to just write, express my self freely. I realize now that I cannot, and probably will not ever be able to do this. So, all cards on the table; this is bullshit. Page fillings, a big load of crap.

Phew. Good thing that we got that sortet out.

LOVE! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! What the hell is it? I think it's just one emotion, one kind of attachment, but that when combined with other things (care, attraction, sentimental bonds, family ties and so on) we get all sorts of it. But they're not really different, they are just attachments we form in our brains. So don't be surprised if love changes into something better, worse or something completely different.

What the hell was that?

I'm not sure, maybe after realizing all that comes out of this silly activity that is typing on a keyboard I actually expressed something? Not that I'm sure of anything; I rarely ever am; and this was merely a thought that came to me while I stood in the shower yesterday, water pouring down on me. I also decided something, well, maybe, maybe I decided, maybe I didn't. Point is that I have actually made progress; to hell with standing still, to hell with being scared. All you can do is try, and maybe you'll fail, maybe you'll fail and everything will go to hell, but at least; at least you'll be able to say you tried.

AND YES! I RESERVE THIS POST FOR SOME REALLY BAD PHOTOSHOPPING. Maybe tomorrow I will make something worthwhile - that is, if I have the time.

Song for the songs

Why me?

There is this guy at work who keeps submitting these awful, awful 3D animations. We are known for being incredibly picky; I can't count all the e-mails I've replied to about how "This picture is good, other agencies have accepted it, what's wong with you people?!!?!", but yet our inspectors seem to be blind when it comes to those stupid 3D images and certain illustrations. I cannot for the love of God ever see anyone thinking they are pretty, or purchasing them for that matter, and Lars agrees with me. Only this morning, while I was looking through our recently accepted stock for Today's Best, I found this horrible image of two heads stuck in mid-air. Ah gawd. And the smiles on them were horrendous! Fucking freaky - enough to give you nightmares.

Speaking of nightmares - I've had my share of them lately. I keep having these awful vivid dreams about people close to me being really mean to me. As I wake up, it takes a while to realize that they are just dreams, and the seconds where they feel like reality I couldn't be more depressed. If dreams really mean something, I am in for a bumpy ride.

I hope we're doing something this weekend. Go out dancing; I know there'll be stupid people, I know the music will suck, but I just need a night out with some friends. I need to start thinking about what to do, I need to decide. My mother doesn't seem to think that me moving to London is a good idea; and I cannot blame her, a few weeks ago I was stuck in bed crying over the guy who wants me to go with him. It's mind boggling how he could even bring him self to do these things to me, and because of that fact I guess I think he wouldn't hesitate too much about doing other things. I want to be with him, and I want us to live together, but I also want to feel safe and not like tomorrow the sky might come falling down on my head.

I have to go remove the blueberries from my teeth now. Afterwards a couple of hours of cleaning will take place, and then maybe I'll be able to finish my other job. Gah.

You probably think this song is about you

Facts about Finland

"De skjønner godt at det er mulig å få bilen sin tauet inn noen få år på rad. Jeg tolker det slik at de nesten ikke ser bort ifra at det kunne skjedd dem selv. Særlig en av dem, en liten tass som sitter på den asfalterte stien og dunker en gul plastand i asfalten. Han forstår meg, kan jeg merke, og mens han forstår meg, dunker han plastanda si i asfalten. Jeg leser ham som en åpen bok. Han tenker; tre år på rad er ingenting, glem det, legg det bak deg og konsentrer deg om Finland, og nå skal jeg banke denne anda mot asfalten helt til den gir seg, den skal grisebankes mot asfalten, gjentatte ganger, knallhardt, alt jeg kan, den skal bare slåes så jævli hardt mot asfalten, denne anda, den skal dundres, anda, mot asfalten, til den gir seg, men tre år på rad er greit, ikke tenk mer på det. "

-"Fakta om Finland" - Erlend Loe.

At least I get to read some while I sit in the incredibly cold (Thank God for ponchos?), incredibly boring reception. Last time I read Jane Austen's "Emma", today I read some Erlend Loe. Why I keep reading books I have already read, I do not know; maybe I am just lazy; maybe I do not want my senses tickled while on the clock. I wish I could bring the new Harry Potter, but I promised Hannes not to - we're gonna read it out loud to each other. Yes, we're super lame.

I am burning albums. The Beatles. Oh no, now I have to delete them from iTunes. It feels like such a loss. I don't even wanna think about what is next; but my ultimate goal is to burn all my albums on music cds and only have single songs on my computer.

I should go sleep, I slept for a total of 2 and a half hours last night.

Snakes in the Grass

It's just a ride

Apart from the parental unit and a very hyperactive dog, I am actually home alone. Hannes left really early this morning, Renate and Oliver moved to Renate's house last night (and he just left here about half an hour ago - my parents gave him a ride into town) and I do not feel at all like I expected to feel. I miss Hannes a lot more than I thought I would - but then again I cannot actually bring my self to believe he is coming back this time - and loving him makes that a very confusing thing. I spent a lot of time being angry and upset with him, but at the same time there is this feeling of happiness that you just cannot escape when you see someone you love as much as I love him. It is almost as if I wanted to be more depressed, wanted to be more frustrated with him. Ah, I do not know how to explain it, and it seems so pointless to even try.

I am not sure what to do next. I know what I want him to do, and I know what he wants me to do. I wish it was the same thing, but it isn't. I guess we'll talk more about it if/when he comes back here on the 3rd.

I have a lot of Crestock work piled up and I am working reception between 4 and 11, so I guess I should cut this short and write some other time. I wish I didn't feel so lonely, it is like missing your right arm.

Someone make my last.fm scrobbler work.

FuckUp

Wishful Thinking

I think I need to go to a kick-boxing class. I have all this aggression in me, bringing me down, making me annoyed at everyone. I am not in the mood to do anything, I just feel like hiding in a hole somewhere until everything bad has passed. Maybe I am looking at my situation in the wrong way, but truth be told; I do not want to do it differently. It would be better, but I do not want to.

I bought a wonderful book from 1963 called "The Works of Oscar Wilde". I do not think it is fair that someone should be able to write poetry as well as prose.

She will not come, I know her well,
 Of lover’s vows she hath no care,
And little good a man can tell
 Of one so cruel and so fair.
True love is but a woman’s toy,
 They never know the lover’s pain,
And I who loved as loves a boy.
 Must love in vain, must love in vain.

-A part of "Serenade", Oscar Wilde.

I'm just so angry.

About What You Know

Ring of fire

I'm coming down with a cold. At the moment it is manageable; I feel like crap when I wake up in the morning and it bothers me throughout the day, but it's not a problem to live with it or anything. I do know it is going to get worse and combined with this slight heat wave we are experiencing, I'm fucked. I know I should not complain, but our house is not designed for summers like these, and it feels like we are living in a giant oven most of the time. The windows and doors are all completely open, but it doesn't really help and I am so incredibly happy I can run away to the basement where it's not really that warm.

Hannes is leaving this Sunday. Well, most likely, anyway. He's only going away for a week, but it's a stupid week to leave me and well.. I don't want him to go! But I get it, he's seeing his family and grandmother, just as he should be. But I can't be too selfish about him, it's like he said yesterday; "Every second spent too far away from you is an accident". AH HA HA HA. Oh, GOD, that is cheesy.

But we're doing .. better than I had expected. He has decided to definitely not go to school in Sweden, and that we might live here for a few months this fall. He's not going to turn down the school in England yet, but then again he doesn't have to decide if he is going or not until like.. September, so that leaves us time to see if we really are this compatible. Right now he's not doing much - he stays home and cleans up and drives me to work and picks me up again, but he seems happy and I'm happy and I don't know what else we could really hope for. I guess one of the reasons why I love him so much is that I enjoy his company so much; I don't really get sick of him. Being kind of sick and grumpy because of the heat makes me scared he'll get annoyed at me, but he's being really sweet (only with an occasional "Jesus Christ" when I get too stupid - but then I usually apologize) and very nice. I'm really happy in my life right now, and while all the pieces of the puzzle has not fallen into place just yet, I don't think I could ask for more.

My job at Crestock is quite nice, although a little challenging. Well, right now I am terrified that I will fuck up, seeing everyone else there is either on leave or sick. Normally Lars watches me like a hawk, reading through all the mails I send out and picking on every little word (Don't get me wrong, I would too if I was in his position), but now I am sitting in the giant room all by my self, getting e-mails from angry eastern Europeans and freaking out because I am actually in charge of everything and there's no one there to help me out should some enormous crisis emerge. But it's fine, it's only for today and Monday. I hope I don't fuck up though, I feel like Lars is taking a chance on me and I don't want him to look bad should I not meet the expectations people obviously have for me.

I guess I should go wake up Hannes. He's so cute when he sleeps, but I need to go to work now. I wonder if he'll buy me FFXII today. :D He said he would - so I'd have something to do while he's gone. :p Ahwell. <3

What The Sea Wants The Sea Will Have

Better Half

I can't believe I am sitting here eating breakfast. It's so fucking early and last night it was hard to fall asleep because of a beating headache and the cutest boy ever laying next to me, stroking my back. Don't get me wrong; I loved the latter part, but it is really hard to get out of bed when he is in it, and sometimes even harder to fall asleep. I'm so happy I am only working half a day tomorrow, and I have a whole day off on Saturday. I really don't know how much longer I could have kept this up without any decent sleep.

I don't really have anything to write about; but then again that has never stopped me before. I guess I shouldn't write; I am kind of dizzy, and sitting in front of the computer before I have to isn't the best recipe for a good day. I really like my job at Crestock, but when your head aches it's kind of a torture. I never get head aches though, I guess that's why I don't handle them better. And for more happy news; We rented out absolutely all the cabins while I was in the reception last night, so there is plenty to clean. Oh, yay.

I think I am gonna go pack my bed and sneak down under the blanket with Hannes for the remaining half hour. Oh, look at that, I actually wrote "pack my bed". Fun times.

You say Party! We say die!

Get what you deserve

I'm kind of sick of working, and I've only done a week and a half of it. It is going to help when Hannes gets here on Wednesday, but at the same time I think I will feel a bit guilty because I'm away all the time. Hopefully he'll get a job with a schedule similar to mine.

In other news; we're going to Thailand. For three weeks over Christmas. It will be my first Christmas away since I was tiny, and even then I just went to my grandparents. Hannes might come as well, he has until Thursday to decide.

I'm exhausted, but Christine and Hege are coming over in half an hour. OhmeOhmy.

Here's looking at you, kid! <3

When you wake for certain

Porchrail

Lavender Diamond has such a melancholy in her voice that it will sometimes break your heart. I like the album "Imagine our love", although sometimes it gets too much and I have to shut her music off.

To the left you can see my new shirt, it says "We found a map to candy mountain" from the youtube video that has been roaming the Shinra IRC chat for a while. I'm totally a pink unicorn, deal with it.

Random randomness to randomness: I'm making dinner today. Spaghetti.. but I don't like minced meat in my sauce, and when I told my dad that if he wants me to make dinner I'll make it in my own way he yelled at me and told me that the meat is the actual "food". Vegetarians all over the world will lynch him. I guess I'll make his stupid meat on the side, so I don't have to deal with it. Hah, take that one, screaming dad.

Wow, the substance of this post is breathtaking.

Uhm, total random link:
http://destroysites.com/

What's your least favorite website? Well, no matter, now you can shoot it until it bleeds! BLEEDS, I SAY, BLEEEEEEEEEDS!

Yay for blood.

This guy wears a webcam 24/7. I'm glad I haven't watched him go to the bathroom. Right now he's laying in his bed sleeping, looking very.. pale.
http://www.justin.tv/justin

My room is a mess. Stupid room.

Take A Walk Around The Table

Strange Things Are Happening

I feel kind of like someone punched me in the stomach, and when I tried to regain my breath I did not succeed. It is a weird kind of feeling, I wouldn't call it all bad, just.. different. But at the same time I feel like there's a heavy weight on my chest, so you could say that is bad. All together.. I feel pretty lousy.

I am going to start my trial job next monday, and my old boss just texted me from Paris and told me he'll be back tomorrow to plan out what we should do about my other job. I also sorted out my troubles with the IRS, I phoned them up and a very helpful man told me what to do. Chivalry is not completely dead, just kind of paralyzed. I am happy about that, I hate calling people I don't know up.

Hege just left my house. We have been hanging out since she got off from work, and it was quite nice to see her again. Ever since I got back here I have felt lonely and isolated, but after all I do have her and a couple of other friends around. I just suck at staying in touch with them when I am away.

Jenny Owen Youngs - Fuck was I

I want Hannes to pick up his phone. We had a rather strange conversation last night where I spent most of the time crying and he spent a lot of time trying to make me stop. It sounds really bad, but it was actually kind of cute and it made me feel a hell of a lot better than I have been feeling lately. He's the sunshine of my life, even when he's a big black cloud on the sky. Haha, that makes no sense.

I really should unpack some boxes, but it is just so goddammed boring. I don't even have room for everything, I am going to have to prove quite a few laws of nature wrong to fit all my stuff into my new room. It doesn't even make sense - when did I get more stuff, really? I have been broke ass all year!

Ohwell, fight the lano guys, fight the lano.

More heat than light

Absolutely nothing

"Home is where the heart is, but your heart had to roam".

I want to be someone's person again.

You could claim I'm Hannes' person, but at the moment I feel like I'm anything but just that. We haven't spoken on the phone for almost 5 weeks, I haven't seen him since Easter and it's been 3 days since I even got a text message from him.

This will be another one of those posts, yes.

I just feel so unbelievably lonely sometimes. I'm not sure what is more heartbreaking: missing someone like this, or realizing more and more that the chances for that person missing you as much are nearing nothing more and more every day that passes. I have no idea what the hell is going on. Has he cheated on me? Has he fallen out of love? Or, even worse, does he just not care anymore? I do not know - I do not even know how to find out.

I realize that I am a very intense person. Either I love or hate something, and when I get a liking to something chances are I'll become slightly obsessed with it. Just imagine how I feel about someone who's been a close friend of mine for 6 years and who's been my lover for 4 and a half. It was bound to happen, I knew that, but he made it feel safe in the beginning, like it did not matter how insanely attached I got, because he would be there for me always.

And the lips, they still say the words.. but it's like the eyes do not agree.

I'm a hopeless romantic who needs to clean her kitchen and bedroom before her grand aunt is coming for a 5 minute visit in about 6 hours. Sleep is for the weak.

The only place I can look is down

It's only time

I did it again. Less than 24 hours to go before my next exam, and I wish I was sleeping. I plan not to sleep tonight, so sleeping to like... 5-6 is probably a hell of a lot smarter than sleeping really badly until 1 pm. Argh.

I have a lot to get through today, About 850 pages of information I haven't read before. Haha, I'm a fucking moron. Please, if some divine being could please give me a photographic memory right about now I would really really appreciate it. Haha.

Yeah, didn't think so..

Why would I stop loving you
a hundred years from now?
It's only time.
It's only time.

What could stop this beating heart
once it's made a vow?
It's only time.
It's only time.

If rain won't change your mind,
let it fall.
The rain won't change my heart
at all.

Lock this chain
around my hand,
throw away the key.
It's only time.
It's only time.

Years falling
like grains of sand
mean nothing to me.
It's only time.
It's only time.

If snow won't change your mind
let it fall.
The snow won't change my heart,
not at all.

(I'll walk your lands)
I'll walk your lands
(And swim your sea)
And swim your sea

Marry me.
Marry me.

(Then in your hands)
Then in your hands
(I will be free)
I will be free

Marry me.
Marry me.

Why would I stop loving you
a hundred years from now?