What The Sea Wants The Sea Will Have

Better Half

I can't believe I am sitting here eating breakfast. It's so fucking early and last night it was hard to fall asleep because of a beating headache and the cutest boy ever laying next to me, stroking my back. Don't get me wrong; I loved the latter part, but it is really hard to get out of bed when he is in it, and sometimes even harder to fall asleep. I'm so happy I am only working half a day tomorrow, and I have a whole day off on Saturday. I really don't know how much longer I could have kept this up without any decent sleep.

I don't really have anything to write about; but then again that has never stopped me before. I guess I shouldn't write; I am kind of dizzy, and sitting in front of the computer before I have to isn't the best recipe for a good day. I really like my job at Crestock, but when your head aches it's kind of a torture. I never get head aches though, I guess that's why I don't handle them better. And for more happy news; We rented out absolutely all the cabins while I was in the reception last night, so there is plenty to clean. Oh, yay.

I think I am gonna go pack my bed and sneak down under the blanket with Hannes for the remaining half hour. Oh, look at that, I actually wrote "pack my bed". Fun times.

You say Party! We say die!

Get what you deserve

I'm kind of sick of working, and I've only done a week and a half of it. It is going to help when Hannes gets here on Wednesday, but at the same time I think I will feel a bit guilty because I'm away all the time. Hopefully he'll get a job with a schedule similar to mine.

In other news; we're going to Thailand. For three weeks over Christmas. It will be my first Christmas away since I was tiny, and even then I just went to my grandparents. Hannes might come as well, he has until Thursday to decide.

I'm exhausted, but Christine and Hege are coming over in half an hour. OhmeOhmy.

Here's looking at you, kid! <3

When you wake for certain

Porchrail

Lavender Diamond has such a melancholy in her voice that it will sometimes break your heart. I like the album "Imagine our love", although sometimes it gets too much and I have to shut her music off.

To the left you can see my new shirt, it says "We found a map to candy mountain" from the youtube video that has been roaming the Shinra IRC chat for a while. I'm totally a pink unicorn, deal with it.

Random randomness to randomness: I'm making dinner today. Spaghetti.. but I don't like minced meat in my sauce, and when I told my dad that if he wants me to make dinner I'll make it in my own way he yelled at me and told me that the meat is the actual "food". Vegetarians all over the world will lynch him. I guess I'll make his stupid meat on the side, so I don't have to deal with it. Hah, take that one, screaming dad.

Wow, the substance of this post is breathtaking.

Uhm, total random link:
http://destroysites.com/

What's your least favorite website? Well, no matter, now you can shoot it until it bleeds! BLEEDS, I SAY, BLEEEEEEEEEDS!

Yay for blood.

This guy wears a webcam 24/7. I'm glad I haven't watched him go to the bathroom. Right now he's laying in his bed sleeping, looking very.. pale.
http://www.justin.tv/justin

My room is a mess. Stupid room.

Take A Walk Around The Table

Strange Things Are Happening

I feel kind of like someone punched me in the stomach, and when I tried to regain my breath I did not succeed. It is a weird kind of feeling, I wouldn't call it all bad, just.. different. But at the same time I feel like there's a heavy weight on my chest, so you could say that is bad. All together.. I feel pretty lousy.

I am going to start my trial job next monday, and my old boss just texted me from Paris and told me he'll be back tomorrow to plan out what we should do about my other job. I also sorted out my troubles with the IRS, I phoned them up and a very helpful man told me what to do. Chivalry is not completely dead, just kind of paralyzed. I am happy about that, I hate calling people I don't know up.

Hege just left my house. We have been hanging out since she got off from work, and it was quite nice to see her again. Ever since I got back here I have felt lonely and isolated, but after all I do have her and a couple of other friends around. I just suck at staying in touch with them when I am away.

Jenny Owen Youngs - Fuck was I

I want Hannes to pick up his phone. We had a rather strange conversation last night where I spent most of the time crying and he spent a lot of time trying to make me stop. It sounds really bad, but it was actually kind of cute and it made me feel a hell of a lot better than I have been feeling lately. He's the sunshine of my life, even when he's a big black cloud on the sky. Haha, that makes no sense.

I really should unpack some boxes, but it is just so goddammed boring. I don't even have room for everything, I am going to have to prove quite a few laws of nature wrong to fit all my stuff into my new room. It doesn't even make sense - when did I get more stuff, really? I have been broke ass all year!

Ohwell, fight the lano guys, fight the lano.

More heat than light

Absolutely nothing

"Home is where the heart is, but your heart had to roam".

I want to be someone's person again.

You could claim I'm Hannes' person, but at the moment I feel like I'm anything but just that. We haven't spoken on the phone for almost 5 weeks, I haven't seen him since Easter and it's been 3 days since I even got a text message from him.

This will be another one of those posts, yes.

I just feel so unbelievably lonely sometimes. I'm not sure what is more heartbreaking: missing someone like this, or realizing more and more that the chances for that person missing you as much are nearing nothing more and more every day that passes. I have no idea what the hell is going on. Has he cheated on me? Has he fallen out of love? Or, even worse, does he just not care anymore? I do not know - I do not even know how to find out.

I realize that I am a very intense person. Either I love or hate something, and when I get a liking to something chances are I'll become slightly obsessed with it. Just imagine how I feel about someone who's been a close friend of mine for 6 years and who's been my lover for 4 and a half. It was bound to happen, I knew that, but he made it feel safe in the beginning, like it did not matter how insanely attached I got, because he would be there for me always.

And the lips, they still say the words.. but it's like the eyes do not agree.

I'm a hopeless romantic who needs to clean her kitchen and bedroom before her grand aunt is coming for a 5 minute visit in about 6 hours. Sleep is for the weak.

The only place I can look is down

It's only time

I did it again. Less than 24 hours to go before my next exam, and I wish I was sleeping. I plan not to sleep tonight, so sleeping to like... 5-6 is probably a hell of a lot smarter than sleeping really badly until 1 pm. Argh.

I have a lot to get through today, About 850 pages of information I haven't read before. Haha, I'm a fucking moron. Please, if some divine being could please give me a photographic memory right about now I would really really appreciate it. Haha.

Yeah, didn't think so..

Why would I stop loving you
a hundred years from now?
It's only time.
It's only time.

What could stop this beating heart
once it's made a vow?
It's only time.
It's only time.

If rain won't change your mind,
let it fall.
The rain won't change my heart
at all.

Lock this chain
around my hand,
throw away the key.
It's only time.
It's only time.

Years falling
like grains of sand
mean nothing to me.
It's only time.
It's only time.

If snow won't change your mind
let it fall.
The snow won't change my heart,
not at all.

(I'll walk your lands)
I'll walk your lands
(And swim your sea)
And swim your sea

Marry me.
Marry me.

(Then in your hands)
Then in your hands
(I will be free)
I will be free

Marry me.
Marry me.

Why would I stop loving you
a hundred years from now?

You and Me and Everyone We know

If Only I Were a Painter I'd Paint for You the Moon

Sometimes girlfriends get mad and then a good way to soften their mood is to make them a mix tape, mix CD, play list or whatever. I am just saying boys, this is good advice for free right here. Not that anyone has made ME a mix in about forever and a day, but hey, YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN A FRIEND MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.

...

I am listening to "Cellphone's Dead" by Beck. It is a nice song. I like Beck, he's funky.

I think I am going to go sleep. I haven't laid down in bed in a day and a half, and I am starting to feel quite tired. This is for another day, new opportunities. Put the sun under your wings for the required heat, I am going dancing.

If I needed just one reason to save the world; it would be you.

She had tried to earth him, instead she had split him.

"What will you do now?"
"I have not the least idea."
"I love you," he said.
The three most difficult words in the world
She touched him as she went past him and slowly down the stairs He listened until he heard the door close a long way off - at the bottom of his life, it seemed.
Then he started to cry.

...

Miss Pinch came visiting, and asked me what I intended to do with my future. She spoke about it as though it were an incurable disease.
"You have a future," she said. "We must take it into account."
She suggested I try for a Junior Trainee Assistant Librarian Temporary Grade on a three-month work placement. She warned me that I shouldn't be too ambitious - not suitable for Females, but that librarian-ship was suitable for Females. Miss Pinch always said Females, holding the word away from her by its tail.
My future had been the lighthouse. Without the lighthouse, I would have to begin again - again.

-Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

7 works of fiction, one 200 page textbook about studying novels and a term list with 55 terms from a 350 page glossary of literary terms. How can I possibly make this?

Because I am nothing short of extraordinary, that is how.

Don't regret your life, child. It will pass soon enough.

Metafiction can go SUCK it

Please don't talk to me I fall in love so easily

The weather is really nice, the sun is shining, the temperature is warm but not too warm, there is a little bit of wind and it's a perfect day for a stroll in the park or a BBQ.

But I'm stuck inside studying!

I brought it on my self. Yesterday was Vivian's birthday and we decided to spend it in denial, doing everything but revising for our exams. After she went to bed on Sunday night I baked a cake, decorated the kitchen with balloons and set the table with her presents and birthday cups and plates. We had breakfast at 11.30 the next morning, and proceeded with watching some episodes of Extras (David Bowie for the fucking WIN) and other random crap. Vivian's dad was in town, and after making dinner plans with him we watched Billy Elliott while eating crisps and laying in my bed. Good times. We went to the Chinese restaurant we always order from, but both of us were full from the crisps and soda, so we couldn't eat that much. We finished off the evening by watching Pirate's of the Caribbean 3, which was better than I expected. I liked it a lot more than I liked the second movie (merely a shadow of the first), and the multiple Jack Sparrows running around didn't hurt either. Instead of being responsible adults and going to bed when we came back we spent a few hours between the covers and pillows in my bed, watching crappy TV shows and eating Vivian's favorite 7/11 snack: Pink doughnuts.


English Tea

I am moving out of here for good in less than 2 weeks and it's making me more and more sad. I am not just going to miss Vivian like crazy, but this freedom and all the opportunities that comes from living in a larger city than Bodø. It is not that bad back home, but it is worse than this place, and now that I am moving I feel like I have thrown away all my chances and that I have pretty much blown this whole year. Ah, I think the best idea is to just not think about it right now and go back to my termlist, textbook and 7 works of fiction I need to get through before 9 am tomorrow morning.

When you're on your own
When you're at a fork in the road
You don't know which way to go
There's too many signs and arrows
You haven't laughed in a while
When you can't even fake a smile
When you feel ashamed
The uniform don't make you brave

All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder to cry when you need it
When the day is long and the night is coming down on you
All I can do

For old times..

I wanted to just show this off

I remember this pretty well. Not that it is very old, but yeah, it's really funny. Those silly Danish people..

WATCH THIS, PEOPLESSSS!

Happiness is silent, or speaks equivocally for friends,
Grief is explicit and her song never ends,
Happiness is like England, and will not state a case,
Grief, like Guilt, rushes in and talks apace.

Stevie Smith

My mother called me Silver. I was born part precious metal part pirate.

Lighthousekeeping

"I have no father. There's nothing unusual about that, even children who do have fathers are often surprised to see them. My own father came out of the sea and went back that way. He was crew on a fishing boat that harboured with us one night when the waves were crashing like dark glass. His splinted hull shored him for long enough to drop anchor inside my mother.
Shoals of babies vied for life.
I won."
-Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

That was taken from the opening of the book I am currently reading. It's on my curriculum. Vivian has read it and says it's the best work on the list, except maybe "The yellow wall-paper", which was a short story I enjoyed quite a lot my self. We have a lot of female writers, and I enjoy that.

My head hurts and I'm lonely. The summer seems so far away with all the rain outside, and one part of me feels sad about that and the other one is comforted. I don't like my life right now, other than living with someone I like living with in a rather nice apartment I am not happy, but at the same time I am scared of the summer. I am scared I'll be even lonelier, and if I end up that way I wont even have Vivian to bother. I'll be pretty much by my self in a house that is way too big for one person. Last summer I spent over three weeks living there without my parents, and at times it got lonely at night. If Hannes ends up standing me up I don't predict a better outcome for this summer.

But you have to stay positive, I guess. It's almost our independence day and I'll be spending it with Vivian, barbecuing if the weather allows. No matter what I'll be eating a bunch of popsicles, as the tradition requires. I wont be wearing my traditional dress, but whatever, that thing is such a drag to put on anyway.

I cannot believe I am actually going home in a few weeks. It's going to be so weird, because I am actually moving there for the time being. And unless I move out with Hannes, there's a 50/50 chance I might just stay and work, at least until September, and that is 4 very long months. Then I'll have to move out on my own, God knows where. That is certainly not the only reason I hope Hannes wont screw me over and change all of our plans, but it's one of them, moving out on my own without even a school to go to is pretty overwhelming. I guess I could pick up some of my stuff and go on a world tour all by my self, but that also sounds like asking for trouble. Knowing my self I'd end up screwing something up, with no safety net to fall back on and no one to help me out.

Girl, Interrupted

The Only Moment We Were Alone

This is definitely not a good day for me. I'm not sure what I feel, but it's not a good feeling, even if it's disturbingly familiar. I woke up with this feeling, I went to the bathroom and splashed water in my face with this feeling, I said hello to Vivian with this feeling. I kind of want to take a walk, but for some reason I have a feeling it will only make matters worse.

I want to be familiar with my self. I want to know how I will feel when I wake up in the morning. I want to know what my reactions to different situations will be, I don't want to be my own stranger. But then again, so does the rest of the world. Whatever we do, whatever we feel, we are not alone. We will never be alone. And as comforting as that might sound to some, it's also an incredibly depressing thought to deal with when you're in the middle of trying to find your self. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you think, there'll always be someone who's just about the same as you, just better.

At the moment, I feel like someone has knocked me over in the process of dragging the rug underneath me away. I'm holding on to it with claws and teeth, but all I end up doing is destroying it while it slips away. Why can't I be better? Why can't I just let it go and hope that something new and better will replace it in the future? Why can't I just be happy? For all of life's beautiful things, there is enough shit to cover it twice - I'm just making it even more difficult for my self. But I don't believe in fate, I believe in working towards what I want. The fact that am incredibly destructive in my behavior goes against all that - in fact it seems that instead of fighting for things I just wreck them until nothing is left, and it's actually fate that holds what I care about together. It's a very confusing scenario, I'll tell you that.

Whatever, whatever, I'll just follow the stream and see where life leads me.

Here comes the sun

Everybody's happy nowadays

So today some odd people came and took a look at our apartment. It was pretty weird, they didn't seem deserving enough to live here, but at the same time it sucked to have my personal space invaded like that so I hope they take it. That way we will not have to do it again, and also I might have to pay only half of the rent for June, after all we'll be staying here for about 10 days or so..

Watching the Eurovision Song Contest obviously sucked ass, since we didn't qualify and, well, our song was incredibly, incredibly lame. I'm also sad that DJ Bobo and his mannequin vampires didn't move on, nor those.. incredibly lame Blink 182 rip-off kids from Andorra. Having someone sing in Catalan should have qualified them alone, besides they made me laugh. Luckily the Turkish dude came through and got a spot, we called him "The little man with the bow-tie". It's a given that we'll be watching the proper show on Saturday, but I foresee a lot of very bitter booing. I don't know what it is, I've only liked about a handful of the Norwegian entires (and I've been watching since I was a little girl), but there's nothing like the national pride that makes me shout and scream when we're nearing the end of the voting. Hannes knows how this works, he was with me when Norway won the World Idol contest, HAHA THAT WAS FUNNY! I'm also quite sure Renate knows what I am talking about, as I've spent quite a few of the Eurovision finals with her.

I finished even more mail yesterday, while watching some lame movie online. I have 7 letters/packages that I need to send off, and it's gonna cost me. As I know I have a job when I get back I might ask my mother for a small loan; I'd like not to have to spend my last few weeks here eating noodles and not doing things. I am not sure how that will fly, but let us all hope for a positive outcome.

Oh, and btw, Lano Mix/Mix for May 2007 has been completed. I usually make a mix each month, but this month has been a bit different because I had to finish it before the end of the month, hence the alternative name. I've never published it though, but now I will, and here you go: (Please don't rip on me for the poor choices, this is a somewhat a completely random collection of songs I've been listening to lately..)

1. The Cops - Cop Pop
2. Y.A.C.H.T. - See a penny (Pick it up)
3. Sondre Lerche - Phantom Punch
4. The Beatles - Her Majesty
5. Page France - Me, Violin and Dancing bear
6. José González - Hand on your heart
7. Rufus Wainwright - Going to a town
8. Elliott Smith - All cleaned out
9. Albert Hammond, Jr. - Bright young thing
10. Nina Simone - Here comes the sun
11. Novi Split - California skies
12. The Bluetones - Nae Hair On't
13. Sarah Blasko - Planet new year
14. Belles Will Ring - It's only goodbye
15. Charles Wright - Express yourself
16. Tobias Froberg - What Goes around (Yes, this is a Justin Timberlake cover)
17. Hot Chip - My Piano
18. Travis - Battleships
19. Butterfly Boucher - A beautiful book
20. Mystery Jets - You can't fool me Dennis

I might try to find a way to upload it, but I kind of doubt anyone wants to download it, since 2 people read this blog and neither of them share my musical taste enough to really appreciate it anyway. Yep. And with that I shall sign off.. and not sleep, because that will never happen.

Sky Blue Sky

I don't mean to get high

Some interesting and mellow releases this month; including Travis' "The Boy With No Name" And Wilco's "Sky Blue Sky". I've gotten my hands on a couple of tracks from both albums, and I have got to say I am liking it, at least considering the genre.

With a sky blue sky
This rotten time
Wouldn’t seem so bad to me now
Oh, I didn’t die
I should be satisfied
I survived
That's good enough for now

I cannot hold on to the fact that I will be moving out of this apartment in about a month. It has been a year filled with joy, sadness and a lot of anger. Vivian couldn't have been a better room mate, and although this has basically been a social experiment with us not getting any other friends I have felt lonely surprisingly seldom. I am really going to miss her, and when she's off to New Zealand in January 2008 I know I'll feel both proud, happy and a little bit sad. It's slightly harder to pop in for a visit when the person lives on the other side of the world.

Living with someone who has enough control over their life to know what they'll be doing in a year's time obviously gets you thinking. What the hell will I be doing next year around this time? In my heart I'm hoping I will be living with Hannes, but I cannot say that I don't see that projection as somewhat doubtful, considering our past and even our present. I am not quite sure where he stands, I know what I want and I know what I want to happen, and even if he says that is what he wants as well I cannot help but to have doubts, which I feel ok with knowing that if he does stand me up again I cannot allow my self to get completely crushed; after all I thought it might happen. A horrible outlook on life, but come on, I'm dealing with a shady Swede. To brighten this up a bit I shall now post a video for one of the new Travis songs, definitely worth a watch. That's a hell of a lot of t-shirts, yo!



I have 11 books to get through, but this time I will make it. Quite a lot of it is tedious fiction (Reading "Wuthering Heights" again is not something I can say I am looking forward to) but when it comes down to it the material is quite interesting. After getting a green (and a very green at that) light on my essay I know I will sit all my remaining exams, and now I feel prepared to kick ass this last month living at Teh Starship. I can do it, I can win at life once again.

I love you kids, even if you really suck at commenting.

Again and again

I hate Camera

Say my name, say my name, say my stupid name
It's stupid how we always seem to do it again, oh

You're so stupid and perfect
And stupid and perfect
I hate you, I want you
I hate you, I hate you, oh
Again, again, again, again

La, la, la
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

It is incredible how the human mind works, confusing the hell out of us until we are down on our knees begging for it to stop. Some of us reach an age of one hundred years, but we still cannot figure out how to do this properly. For generations we are born, raised, we breed and then die, but still no one can think of a perfect recipe to make life worth that extra mile we have to travel every day. At least that is how I look at it. It seems like such a drag, and the only real reason for going on is because we honestly do not know any better, and death is such a big and scary deal. I am not suggesting that we all go kill our selves, but surely, there must be a way to maximize the experience! It is so true what they say, we only have one life, some of us shorter than others. Yet we waste our time doing boring and pointless crap, trying to fit in with the rest of the world. Why do we have the ability to take things for granted? Why do we always learn to stop looking at the beautiful flowers and turn to generic plastic objects that make our life easier instead? Why do we even want life to be easy, isn't the struggle part of the thrill? Whatever it is, I cannot figure it out.

That didn't even make sense, but I'm so beyond the point of caring that I could throw up.

I'll see you when you're gone

And you better be good

I did a horrible, horrible thing. I forgot someone. And now I feel terrible, as I should. I am going to try to make up for it, but I doubt I will ever forgive my self. Not that I even should, gosh, I suck.

According to Vivian, today is the official Pajamas day. That means we are all supposed to wear pajamas the whole day, no matter what we do or where we go. She has been doing it for 3 years in a row or something, but I cannot really remember it from last year. But then again she wore pajamas a lot. In my case I am alright about it, but I feel a bit weird since I kind of need to go to the store, and all my pajamas are either weird looking or knee high. Ohmyohmy.

Your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe
There's people always dying trying to keep them alive
There's bodies decomposing in containers tonight
In an abandoned building where
The squatters made a mural of a Mexican girl
With fifteen cans of spray paint and a chemical swirl
She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world

Today I am filled with a feeling of panic for various reasons. I guess one of them is apparent, but I am still hoping for better news in that department (even if it is starting to look pretty grim). AI CARAMBA. I had various fucked up dreams tonight. They involved most of my friends from back home, and cake. We were all at Renate's house, and Fox was acting up and Stian was incredibly tall (even taller than he is in real life) and her father was running around yelling at Fox. That's all I want to write about it, because it got quite strange from there.

The Medication is not working, come on world, get me high!

As I start to wonder why I am even writing this I realize that there's a lot to be done in the world, and plenty of people to do it. What is the difference between you and them? Perhaps you do not turn out to be as lazy and selfish. Yeah, sorry for all the bullshit, it is just another one of those days.

This
This life is boring
This
This life right now is snoring
But that's all right
That's okay
It's still worth living

When it is not I got the gun for my head
And I want to break free instead
But I could never pull the trigger
I get too scared
So I stand up instead
I go wild

Dear, dear man
Be nice to your girl
She knows that you could
Live without her
And so she cries in your arms
Every night
Til you walk out the door
She goes wild

Oh, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song,
There's a song
It's in my head
There's a song, there's a song
A little country song It's in my head

I think I'm worth the wait

Never leave your heart alone

I am actually not quite sure why I am writing today. Or, well, right now. I am sure I could have thought of something
earlier today, or perhaps later tonight as I avoid going to sleep, but right now my mind is pretty blank. It is not an ideal state when you are trying to write a very important essay, I will tell you that.

Today has been like all the other days, except not at all. We made the things that are featured on the picture; a great success, apparently it is the baking in the oven that get various results (Yes, Oliver, I am looking at you and your response). We had like 4 of them for desert, so now I feel quite stuffed.

It's a typical situation in these typical times
Too many choices, hey yeah
It's a typical situation in these typical times
Too many choices

Everybody's happy everybody's free
Keep the big door open, everyone'll come around
Why're you different, why are you that way
If you don't get in line we'll lock you away

Two is a perfect number

While we ate pasta with tomato sauce we watched Pom Poko, another Studio Ghibili classic. I kind of failed to understand the moral of the story, but hey, the raccoons were pretty cool at times. But to be honest I feel like such an idiot going on about food and movies when really all I want to write about is hos much things suck. I will not listen to my self. I am trying something new and it will probably suffocate me completely, but at least I will hold on until then. What? I do not really know.

It all comes down to nothing
Six senses feeling five around a sense of self
Four season turn on'n turn off
I can see three corners from this corner
Two's a perfect number
But one, well

I guess that is me.

Another version of the truth

Eventually it'll break your heart

I am lonely down to the bone. I hate to complain about it, but seriously, I am lonely down to the bone. The room I am sitting in is not particularly large or small, but it is suffocating me in a way that makes it feels like it is the biggest empty void in the history of the universe. I know that is a complete contradiction, I guess that only makes my feelings worse. The fact that I am terrified out of my mind and in a total state of panic does not help either. Hurrah.

I guess the reasons behind my feelings are apparent. Although, different people have different parts of the puzzle, so no one really has an overview of the entire scenery. I do not even have that, and in a way that makes me happy because I think I would freak out if I did. I tend to focus on one problem at the time not to get too overwhelmed. The downside is that there is always something to worry about that way, you never get everything out of the way and the breaks from total panic are rare.

I miss you guys, all of you.

Dear Mr. Supercomputer

Welcome, ghosts

Am I working? Not really. When I took this picture I kind of was though, so I guess that's better than nothing. I really cannot concentrate, and this feels so unimportant, so it's hard to keep on working for more than 2 seconds at a time. I really want to hear from Hannes as well, I don't know where he is, but he did promise to call today. Not that I feel like I can trust his word when it comes to that, but then again there is always hope in my heart that he will follow through with what he says. I am not sure if that makes me a fool or not.

Goooo failure-kari, go!

Tears for affairs

Blow him back into my arms

I pray the wind will blow.

It's a strange kind of sentimental feeling you get when you see your life crashing down before your eyes, not even in a position to stop it. And the things you can change, they seem so stupid and pointless and depressing that you can barely manage to even try.

Am I losing you? And you? And you, and you and you? Am I losing everything? Am I losing my mind, am I going to completely change my future because I cannot go through with whatever is in fact needed of me? I have got this tendency to just ignore things, pretend the problems are not there in order not to sink back into whatever dump I was in last fall. Because I honestly think that if I went back to that, I would surely die. But pretending nothing is wrong and ignoring the much needed solutions is just going to make things worse, and I'll have even more to deal with once life catches up with me. In fact, then I will have real problems to deal with instead of just trying to find a way out of situations that I could have avoided but did not. I guess I am so scared of failing that I do not even bother trying. But then again, that is classic Kari behavior.