Thursday, 20 September 2007

Why do I still make my bed for two?

I'm struggling

Trying to keep my head over surface level so I will not drown is hard.

Very hard.

You try to keep busy doing things. But then those things make it harder. You think "Oh, I wish I could tell... oh". You think "Well, maybe I just have to keep my self busy and then the only problem is the moment when I go to sleep and when I wake up when all the world is around you but you still feel lonely down to the core", but then you realize you feel lonely down to the core right there on that bus and you miss him so much you just want to scream.

I feel like I know what is going to happen. Everything points towards a very sad and lonely route, and I am doing everything to avoid it. I want to avoid it, I want it more than anything. But I'm not driving, I'm not even in the passenger seat, I'm being dragged by chains from the back of the truck. I can't even untie them right now, there is nothing I can do but sit here and wait for what feels like an execution. Oh my God, I'm such a drama queen.

But even if he's hurt me, even if he's ignoring me right now for God knows what reason, I love him. He's my better (and kind of worse) half, he makes me want to accomplish things, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning. And not even being able to reach him to say "I miss you" is dragging me apart. I'd put everything aside just to get to talk to him right now, his voice provides me with more comfort than anything else in the world.

Maybe I make my bed for two because it's made for two. Or maybe it's because I'm delusional and I think he'll walk in the door tomorrow.

I would give the sun and the moon for a hug from you right about now.


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Miss Ronate said...

I so so so so so wish there was anything I could do that would help you. But I know that the only thing that would make you feel better is hearing from him, and everything else is a weak comfort.

Just know that even though you probably feel quite differently, my heart is with you, and the only outcome I want from this is that you end up happy and un-hurt.

You'll come out of it stronger (no matter the outcome) because all you do every day is to fight, and you're doing a hell of a good job.

Just don't give up. And if you ever feel like you want to give up on him, just promise me that you'll never give up on yourself.

It might feel like you need him in order to continue, but in all reality all you need is yourself. Having him there might be a comfort, but he wont live your live for you.

Call/txt/message me if you ever feel like talking. Day or night.