Thursday, 20 September 2007

Why do I still make my bed for two?

I'm struggling

Trying to keep my head over surface level so I will not drown is hard.

Very hard.

You try to keep busy doing things. But then those things make it harder. You think "Oh, I wish I could tell... oh". You think "Well, maybe I just have to keep my self busy and then the only problem is the moment when I go to sleep and when I wake up when all the world is around you but you still feel lonely down to the core", but then you realize you feel lonely down to the core right there on that bus and you miss him so much you just want to scream.

I feel like I know what is going to happen. Everything points towards a very sad and lonely route, and I am doing everything to avoid it. I want to avoid it, I want it more than anything. But I'm not driving, I'm not even in the passenger seat, I'm being dragged by chains from the back of the truck. I can't even untie them right now, there is nothing I can do but sit here and wait for what feels like an execution. Oh my God, I'm such a drama queen.

But even if he's hurt me, even if he's ignoring me right now for God knows what reason, I love him. He's my better (and kind of worse) half, he makes me want to accomplish things, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning. And not even being able to reach him to say "I miss you" is dragging me apart. I'd put everything aside just to get to talk to him right now, his voice provides me with more comfort than anything else in the world.

Maybe I make my bed for two because it's made for two. Or maybe it's because I'm delusional and I think he'll walk in the door tomorrow.

I would give the sun and the moon for a hug from you right about now.

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

I shouldn't write this here

I am doing it anyway.

I don't know what to do. Inner turmoil is the best description for my feelings right now. I'm all over the place, emotions raging, cries yelped, tears floating all over the place.

I don't know what to do.

There's no one to talk to, nothing to say, the only thing I can do is sit here and shake a little, punch the table, try to breathe, try not to suffocate, try not to run far far away.

But that's what I want. I want to run so far away that I don't know where I am, or how to get back. I want to escape, where no one can reach me and I'm not my self. I don't want to be me, I don't want my own feelings.

"Even I am not that mean. I wouldn't leave when I say I'm not."

Turns out, honeypie, you probably are.

What's that crap about better to have loved than not? Augustine, fucking crap. Fucking crap, crap, crap. I'm not feeling this, this is not happening to me. Something like this shouldn't be swallowing me whole, am I not more of a person than that?

No. Pathetic piece of shit.

You say I must eat so many lemons..

..cus I am so bitter.

HUIIII, hvor det går.

Famous last words, I guess. Or, you wish they were. You all wish they were your famous last words because that would mean you died in a crazy rollercoaster ride, throwing your self off a plane or doing some other crazy high risk sport. But most of us die in hospitals, sick, elderly, even demented. It's sad. We keep avoiding death until we have reached the same stage we were as babies. Life goes from very low, to very high, but for some reason we all think that going back lower than we even were when we were infants is something to be longed after. Live forever, I guess.

A horrible concept, really; I want to be old, that's not it at all. But I want to be old and sane, I want to be old and enjoying the winter of my life. HAHA, what utter bullshit. Full of it today, I guess.

Having been a pretty steady reader of it for a while, I must say that the fabulist! still surprises me. It's a dangerous read (I found my self getting stuff from etsy a few times after reading it), but completely worth it. I'm a little mad at her for not spelling Jens Lekman's name right in her "The Beginning Of A Dawning Of A Brand New Day Mix", but hey, these things happen. Lerkman is a pretty cool name anyway.

I got my first textmessage from Hannes since like... June yesterday. Oh, how fun. Now he can go back to not picking up his cell phone instead of his home phone. <3

Sunday, 9 September 2007

You do what you love and fuck the rest

A million middle fingers

For once, I would like to write an update that actually contained something. I'm not even talking about anything worthwhile; I just want to be able to say whatever. But I cannot, something is holding me back, and even if I could think of what it is, I wouldn't be able to put it down here.

I'm scared, I am terrified, there are no more chances left to give, and this is the end of the line. What the hell is going to happen? Good things, I hope, but at the same time all the good things have turned sour, they do not compare, and they are tainted by all the events which took place this summer. I turned around, and my life turned into a mess. I guess I should have seen it coming - I guess I was in denial, but that doesn't change the fact that it hit me harder than anything has ever hit me before. I'm not my self anymore, and I'm actually not sure who I have become. I hope it's someone that my friends and family can learn to like.

It's never too late to get up and go.

Monday, 3 September 2007

You better wake up

12441 and counting

I don't feel well on the inside. As far as my outside is concerned, that isn't important, I am not talking about physical pain. Right now I am experiencing this nagging kind of pain in my chest, aching, breaking me up from the inside. I don't want to feel this way, but there is actually nothing I can do to feel better. I guess I'll just have to wait until it passes.

Loneliness won't.

It's been almost a week since Hannes left, but it might as well been a year. Things have gone back and forth in a flying, hasty manner, and we're still not completely decided in what to do. Or, he says he is, but I'd like some proof. Speaking of proof, I would also like him to call me, I only spoke to him briefly earlier today and I guess I am assuming he will call me back. That's what's boyfriends do, right?

Ah, I just want everything to be OK for once.