Monday, 30 July 2007

It's my party

And I'll cry if I want to

This is the last thing I should be doing right now. Susanne is picking me up in an hour and we're going out for lunch before it's off to work again at 13.30 until 20.00. I've done some Crestock work, but it seems I have to do more than I thought, and therefore time is running short. So, why the hell am I writing this here, then?

Good question.

My images recently are an ego-fest. How nice.

Hannes called me from Italy yesterday and told me he'd probably call again last night at 2 am. He didn't, I know, I was up until 3 am or something discussing things over msn and listening to music. If I move I can't even bring all of it, how sad is that? Wow, train of thought. A very short train, anyway. I think maybe I'll go get dressed now, so that I can work really hard before I have to run off again. Ugh.

Friday, 27 July 2007

How we operate

You know I'm no good

I try not to be pretentious, because if there is anything I detest it is pretentious people; but as always you become what you loathe. Just like applying to a bachelor in journalism, even though I hate journalists, (but luckily not sending in my papers - thus not getting accepted) I now realize this whole journal thing is a load of crap. I didn't want this thing to become a bunch of random words put together, I wanted to get to the bottom of it, to be able to just write, express my self freely. I realize now that I cannot, and probably will not ever be able to do this. So, all cards on the table; this is bullshit. Page fillings, a big load of crap.

Phew. Good thing that we got that sortet out.

LOVE! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! What the hell is it? I think it's just one emotion, one kind of attachment, but that when combined with other things (care, attraction, sentimental bonds, family ties and so on) we get all sorts of it. But they're not really different, they are just attachments we form in our brains. So don't be surprised if love changes into something better, worse or something completely different.

What the hell was that?

I'm not sure, maybe after realizing all that comes out of this silly activity that is typing on a keyboard I actually expressed something? Not that I'm sure of anything; I rarely ever am; and this was merely a thought that came to me while I stood in the shower yesterday, water pouring down on me. I also decided something, well, maybe, maybe I decided, maybe I didn't. Point is that I have actually made progress; to hell with standing still, to hell with being scared. All you can do is try, and maybe you'll fail, maybe you'll fail and everything will go to hell, but at least; at least you'll be able to say you tried.

AND YES! I RESERVE THIS POST FOR SOME REALLY BAD PHOTOSHOPPING. Maybe tomorrow I will make something worthwhile - that is, if I have the time.

Thursday, 26 July 2007

Song for the songs

Why me?

There is this guy at work who keeps submitting these awful, awful 3D animations. We are known for being incredibly picky; I can't count all the e-mails I've replied to about how "This picture is good, other agencies have accepted it, what's wong with you people?!!?!", but yet our inspectors seem to be blind when it comes to those stupid 3D images and certain illustrations. I cannot for the love of God ever see anyone thinking they are pretty, or purchasing them for that matter, and Lars agrees with me. Only this morning, while I was looking through our recently accepted stock for Today's Best, I found this horrible image of two heads stuck in mid-air. Ah gawd. And the smiles on them were horrendous! Fucking freaky - enough to give you nightmares.

Speaking of nightmares - I've had my share of them lately. I keep having these awful vivid dreams about people close to me being really mean to me. As I wake up, it takes a while to realize that they are just dreams, and the seconds where they feel like reality I couldn't be more depressed. If dreams really mean something, I am in for a bumpy ride.

I hope we're doing something this weekend. Go out dancing; I know there'll be stupid people, I know the music will suck, but I just need a night out with some friends. I need to start thinking about what to do, I need to decide. My mother doesn't seem to think that me moving to London is a good idea; and I cannot blame her, a few weeks ago I was stuck in bed crying over the guy who wants me to go with him. It's mind boggling how he could even bring him self to do these things to me, and because of that fact I guess I think he wouldn't hesitate too much about doing other things. I want to be with him, and I want us to live together, but I also want to feel safe and not like tomorrow the sky might come falling down on my head.

I have to go remove the blueberries from my teeth now. Afterwards a couple of hours of cleaning will take place, and then maybe I'll be able to finish my other job. Gah.

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

You probably think this song is about you

Facts about Finland

"De skjønner godt at det er mulig å få bilen sin tauet inn noen få år på rad. Jeg tolker det slik at de nesten ikke ser bort ifra at det kunne skjedd dem selv. Særlig en av dem, en liten tass som sitter på den asfalterte stien og dunker en gul plastand i asfalten. Han forstår meg, kan jeg merke, og mens han forstår meg, dunker han plastanda si i asfalten. Jeg leser ham som en åpen bok. Han tenker; tre år på rad er ingenting, glem det, legg det bak deg og konsentrer deg om Finland, og nå skal jeg banke denne anda mot asfalten helt til den gir seg, den skal grisebankes mot asfalten, gjentatte ganger, knallhardt, alt jeg kan, den skal bare slåes så jævli hardt mot asfalten, denne anda, den skal dundres, anda, mot asfalten, til den gir seg, men tre år på rad er greit, ikke tenk mer på det. "

-"Fakta om Finland" - Erlend Loe.

At least I get to read some while I sit in the incredibly cold (Thank God for ponchos?), incredibly boring reception. Last time I read Jane Austen's "Emma", today I read some Erlend Loe. Why I keep reading books I have already read, I do not know; maybe I am just lazy; maybe I do not want my senses tickled while on the clock. I wish I could bring the new Harry Potter, but I promised Hannes not to - we're gonna read it out loud to each other. Yes, we're super lame.

I am burning albums. The Beatles. Oh no, now I have to delete them from iTunes. It feels like such a loss. I don't even wanna think about what is next; but my ultimate goal is to burn all my albums on music cds and only have single songs on my computer.

I should go sleep, I slept for a total of 2 and a half hours last night.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Snakes in the Grass

It's just a ride

Apart from the parental unit and a very hyperactive dog, I am actually home alone. Hannes left really early this morning, Renate and Oliver moved to Renate's house last night (and he just left here about half an hour ago - my parents gave him a ride into town) and I do not feel at all like I expected to feel. I miss Hannes a lot more than I thought I would - but then again I cannot actually bring my self to believe he is coming back this time - and loving him makes that a very confusing thing. I spent a lot of time being angry and upset with him, but at the same time there is this feeling of happiness that you just cannot escape when you see someone you love as much as I love him. It is almost as if I wanted to be more depressed, wanted to be more frustrated with him. Ah, I do not know how to explain it, and it seems so pointless to even try.

I am not sure what to do next. I know what I want him to do, and I know what he wants me to do. I wish it was the same thing, but it isn't. I guess we'll talk more about it if/when he comes back here on the 3rd.

I have a lot of Crestock work piled up and I am working reception between 4 and 11, so I guess I should cut this short and write some other time. I wish I didn't feel so lonely, it is like missing your right arm.

Someone make my scrobbler work.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007


Wishful Thinking

I think I need to go to a kick-boxing class. I have all this aggression in me, bringing me down, making me annoyed at everyone. I am not in the mood to do anything, I just feel like hiding in a hole somewhere until everything bad has passed. Maybe I am looking at my situation in the wrong way, but truth be told; I do not want to do it differently. It would be better, but I do not want to.

I bought a wonderful book from 1963 called "The Works of Oscar Wilde". I do not think it is fair that someone should be able to write poetry as well as prose.

She will not come, I know her well,
 Of lover’s vows she hath no care,
And little good a man can tell
 Of one so cruel and so fair.
True love is but a woman’s toy,
 They never know the lover’s pain,
And I who loved as loves a boy.
 Must love in vain, must love in vain.

-A part of "Serenade", Oscar Wilde.

I'm just so angry.

Friday, 6 July 2007

About What You Know

Ring of fire

I'm coming down with a cold. At the moment it is manageable; I feel like crap when I wake up in the morning and it bothers me throughout the day, but it's not a problem to live with it or anything. I do know it is going to get worse and combined with this slight heat wave we are experiencing, I'm fucked. I know I should not complain, but our house is not designed for summers like these, and it feels like we are living in a giant oven most of the time. The windows and doors are all completely open, but it doesn't really help and I am so incredibly happy I can run away to the basement where it's not really that warm.

Hannes is leaving this Sunday. Well, most likely, anyway. He's only going away for a week, but it's a stupid week to leave me and well.. I don't want him to go! But I get it, he's seeing his family and grandmother, just as he should be. But I can't be too selfish about him, it's like he said yesterday; "Every second spent too far away from you is an accident". AH HA HA HA. Oh, GOD, that is cheesy.

But we're doing .. better than I had expected. He has decided to definitely not go to school in Sweden, and that we might live here for a few months this fall. He's not going to turn down the school in England yet, but then again he doesn't have to decide if he is going or not until like.. September, so that leaves us time to see if we really are this compatible. Right now he's not doing much - he stays home and cleans up and drives me to work and picks me up again, but he seems happy and I'm happy and I don't know what else we could really hope for. I guess one of the reasons why I love him so much is that I enjoy his company so much; I don't really get sick of him. Being kind of sick and grumpy because of the heat makes me scared he'll get annoyed at me, but he's being really sweet (only with an occasional "Jesus Christ" when I get too stupid - but then I usually apologize) and very nice. I'm really happy in my life right now, and while all the pieces of the puzzle has not fallen into place just yet, I don't think I could ask for more.

My job at Crestock is quite nice, although a little challenging. Well, right now I am terrified that I will fuck up, seeing everyone else there is either on leave or sick. Normally Lars watches me like a hawk, reading through all the mails I send out and picking on every little word (Don't get me wrong, I would too if I was in his position), but now I am sitting in the giant room all by my self, getting e-mails from angry eastern Europeans and freaking out because I am actually in charge of everything and there's no one there to help me out should some enormous crisis emerge. But it's fine, it's only for today and Monday. I hope I don't fuck up though, I feel like Lars is taking a chance on me and I don't want him to look bad should I not meet the expectations people obviously have for me.

I guess I should go wake up Hannes. He's so cute when he sleeps, but I need to go to work now. I wonder if he'll buy me FFXII today. :D He said he would - so I'd have something to do while he's gone. :p Ahwell. <3