Saturday, 28 April 2007

I'll see you when you're gone

And you better be good

I did a horrible, horrible thing. I forgot someone. And now I feel terrible, as I should. I am going to try to make up for it, but I doubt I will ever forgive my self. Not that I even should, gosh, I suck.

According to Vivian, today is the official Pajamas day. That means we are all supposed to wear pajamas the whole day, no matter what we do or where we go. She has been doing it for 3 years in a row or something, but I cannot really remember it from last year. But then again she wore pajamas a lot. In my case I am alright about it, but I feel a bit weird since I kind of need to go to the store, and all my pajamas are either weird looking or knee high. Ohmyohmy.

Your class, your caste, your country, sect, your name or your tribe
There's people always dying trying to keep them alive
There's bodies decomposing in containers tonight

In an abandoned building where
The squatters made a mural of a Mexican girl
With fifteen cans of spray paint and a chemical swirl

She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world

Today I am filled with a feeling of panic for various reasons. I guess one of them is apparent, but I am still hoping for better news in that department (even if it is starting to look pretty grim). AI CARAMBA. I had various fucked up dreams tonight. They involved most of my friends from back home, and cake. We were all at Renate's house, and Fox was acting up and Stian was incredibly tall (even taller than he is in real life) and her father was running around yelling at Fox. That's all I want to write about it, because it got quite strange from there.

The Medication is not working, come on world, get me high!

As I start to wonder why I am even writing this I realize that there's a lot to be done in the world, and plenty of people to do it. What is the difference between you and them? Perhaps you do not turn out to be as lazy and selfish. Yeah, sorry for all the bullshit, it is just another one of those days.

This life is boring


This life right now is snoring

But that's all right

That's okay

It's still worth living

When it is not
I got the gun for my head
And I want to break free instead

But I could never pull the trigger

I get too scared

So I stand up instead

I go wild

Dear, dear man
Be nice to your girl

She knows that you could
Live without her

And so she cries in your arms

Every night
Til you walk out the door

She goes wild

Oh, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song, there's a song,

There's a song

It's in my head

There's a song, there's a song

A little country song It's in my head

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

I think I'm worth the wait

Never leave your heart alone

I am actually not quite sure why I am writing today. Or, well, right now. I am sure I could have thought of something
earlier today, or perhaps later tonight as I avoid going to sleep, but right now my mind is pretty blank. It is not an ideal state when you are trying to write a very important essay, I will tell you that.

Today has been like all the other days, except not at all. We made the things that are featured on the picture; a great success, apparently it is the baking in the oven that get various results (Yes, Oliver, I am looking at you and your response). We had like 4 of them for desert, so now I feel quite stuffed.

It's a typical situation in these typical times
Too many choices, hey yeah
It's a typical situation in these typical times
Too many choices

Everybody's happy everybody's free
Keep the big door open, everyone'll come around
Why're you different, why are you that way
If you don't get in line we'll lock you away

Two is a perfect number

While we ate pasta with tomato sauce we watched Pom Poko, another Studio Ghibili classic. I kind of failed to understand the moral of the story, but hey, the raccoons were pretty cool at times. But to be honest I feel like such an idiot going on about food and movies when really all I want to write about is hos much things suck. I will not listen to my self. I am trying something new and it will probably suffocate me completely, but at least I will hold on until then. What? I do not really know.

It all comes down to nothing
Six senses feeling five around a sense of self
Four season turn on'n turn off
I can see three corners from this corner
Two's a perfect number
But one, well

I guess that is me.

Monday, 23 April 2007

Another version of the truth

Eventually it'll break your heart

I am lonely down to the bone. I hate to complain about it, but seriously, I am lonely down to the bone. The room I am sitting in is not particularly large or small, but it is suffocating me in a way that makes it feels like it is the biggest empty void in the history of the universe. I know that is a complete contradiction, I guess that only makes my feelings worse. The fact that I am terrified out of my mind and in a total state of panic does not help either. Hurrah.

I guess the reasons behind my feelings are apparent. Although, different people have different parts of the puzzle, so no one really has an overview of the entire scenery. I do not even have that, and in a way that makes me happy because I think I would freak out if I did. I tend to focus on one problem at the time not to get too overwhelmed. The downside is that there is always something to worry about that way, you never get everything out of the way and the breaks from total panic are rare.

I miss you guys, all of you.

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Dear Mr. Supercomputer

Welcome, ghosts

Am I working? Not really. When I took this picture I kind of was though, so I guess that's better than nothing. I really cannot concentrate, and this feels so unimportant, so it's hard to keep on working for more than 2 seconds at a time. I really want to hear from Hannes as well, I don't know where he is, but he did promise to call today. Not that I feel like I can trust his word when it comes to that, but then again there is always hope in my heart that he will follow through with what he says. I am not sure if that makes me a fool or not.

Goooo failure-kari, go!

Tears for affairs

Blow him back into my arms

I pray the wind will blow.

It's a strange kind of sentimental feeling you get when you see your life crashing down before your eyes, not even in a position to stop it. And the things you can change, they seem so stupid and pointless and depressing that you can barely manage to even try.

Am I losing you? And you? And you, and you and you? Am I losing everything? Am I losing my mind, am I going to completely change my future because I cannot go through with whatever is in fact needed of me? I have got this tendency to just ignore things, pretend the problems are not there in order not to sink back into whatever dump I was in last fall. Because I honestly think that if I went back to that, I would surely die. But pretending nothing is wrong and ignoring the much needed solutions is just going to make things worse, and I'll have even more to deal with once life catches up with me. In fact, then I will have real problems to deal with instead of just trying to find a way out of situations that I could have avoided but did not. I guess I am so scared of failing that I do not even bother trying. But then again, that is classic Kari behavior.

Saturday, 21 April 2007

Everything is temporary

I wanna be adored

And I wanna be Louis Theroux, documentary film-maker with two passports! He has a dream job, getting to seek out incredible and special people (good and bad), and live amongst them while filming. He has also got the kind of personality that I like, and I think he angles his stories and documentaries very well. I've known about him for a while, but never really watched much of his stuff, especially not his own show. I started watching his piece on "The most hated family in America", the Phelps family, and went on from there.

Shocking, quite sad and man how I feel for those children. You should check out some of his work:

I want you (She's so heavy)

So, another day, another worry. No, no, actually it is my father's 50th birthday today, so I guess I should dedicate this entry to him. I really do hope he will never read it though, because that would mean he has found this blog, and that would be problematic. Do you ever think about that? What would happen if your family found your blogs and picture diaries and music sites and web pages and whatever? In my case it would be bizarre, surreal, and probably change the way they would look at me for the rest of my life. I feel like such a different person on here, and the honesty I write with just fails with them. It is not because they are bad people, it is just because they are difficult to talk to and deal with, and in the end mostly because I'm actually just a big fat coward.

I think that is enough for now, but fear not, I'll definitely be back.

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Dump for broken dreams

Almost crimes

I swear, this assignment will be the death of me. Alright, maybe not. No, this is not going to turn into one of those whiny entries, but really, I gotta get this off my chest: I don't wanna do this. I wanna start studying for my exams and go outside. But wait, what's outside?


Yes, bloody snow. Snow in April isn't that uncommon, at least not where I come from, but here it is pretty shocking. A few days ago I was making plans with Vivian to have a BBQ and take trips and do all kinds of nice outdoorsy activities. We even bough popsicles to put in the freezer, and now we've been cheated of this as well!

Our lives are rather monotone as of now, or perhaps that is what they are not, that is what they should be. Last night we suddenly got the urge to be terribly irresponsible and waste all of our time watching 8 episodes of LOST. We both have quite amazing persuasive skills, but then again the people we are trying to persuade (our selves) are not resisting it one bit.

I cannot tell you why I smile

So LOST was quite exciting, but it obviously bothers me that it was the highlight of my day. I had a little contact with Hannes, but my worries and fears kind of polluted that and he pretty much ended up never replying to a rather awful text message I wrote. I do not know why I get like that, I guess part of me still blames him, and some of my problems right now are still based around him and what he does (and does not do). It is really something I should try to stop doing, as my mother says; it's impossible to change anyone but your self - but sometimes things just feel so bloody unfair and it is pretty much because of something he has done. I am no saint, I do stupid things all the time, but I really do try to learn from my own mistakes.

I love how I communicate with Vivian, we have our own way of talking to each other, making life a little easier and a bit more fun. It is not the language, even if it is a lot of fun it doesn't make that big of a difference, it is just the way we pay attention to each other and the way we take interest. We do have a bad influence on each other, but in some way we manage anyway. It is going to be quite sad to leave her and this apartment, it really has become worthy of it's name "The Starship".

All systems red

What bothers me the most about this assignment, and the course in general, is that it is kind of up my alley. I am quite interested in language, and even though grammar has never been my strong suit, it does interest me. I think my brain has some kind of chip in it, making me lose interest in things that I need to do, starting to focus on things I really do not need to do. It is bloody annoying, that is what it is, but all you can do about it is suck it up and do whatever you do not feel like doing.

I guess I really need to try to work now. I walked over to my desk and got my book earlier, but to be honest I have only opened it to take pictures of my self flipping it off. Hell yes, I am a bad, bad girl. Someone should definitely punish me.

In all seriousness; I will do this, and I will do it well. Then I will sleep, get up again and do more work. I'll repeat that twice and on Monday I shall turn in an assignment I am proud of. And then I shall start working on the essay I have to write before the 30th, and I'll manage that as well. Because that's what you do in life.

You manage.

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Two suns in the sunset

Die motherfucker die

My meeting with my professor went relatively well; that is if you do not consider that I overslept; had to run to school; got lost in the hallway and forgot the note with the room number. Argh. The actual meeting went fine, we just talked about the essay I spent about 4 hours writing down, 5 hours before the deadline. I started feeling weird in the middle of it though, so it was a bit hard to concentrate. After a little trip to the book store (I bought a philosphy book on sale) a very weird man came up to me and started chit-chatting about the weather. I politely excused my self and started heading home; the thought of sitting 2 hours in the lecture hall made me want to cringe. I got back here after talking to my mother on the way home, she suggests that I call the student medical services tomorrow if I don't get completely well. God, I am so sick of being, well, sick.

Yesterday was pretty relaxed. We did get up at 8, and I spent the whole day being really tired since I only slept about 2 hours, but hey, what can you do? Well, I guess I could have made an effort to go to sleep when I got back from school around 10.30, but then I didn't feel tired. I kind of paid for that later, while we watched Sense and Sensibility for school, seeing it made me fall asleep. I always feel dreadful when I fall asleep in warm places without brushing my teeth first, so I pretty much just wanted to die.

Wish you were here

Right now I am watching "The Riches", which is turning out to be a pretty good show! Eddie Izzard is cool, and the youngest kid is just so messed up and cute. I'm only on the second episode, so there's still 4 more to go before I've run out of ones to stream. I think there are 7 or something in total. I really should not watch these right now, God knows I have enough to do without watching TV shows. There's another linguistics assignment due this Monday, and I have yet to start that one. I also have to read Sense and Sensibility, but I'm looking forward to that anyway. Just too bad that philosophy book looks a lot more intriguing at the moment, but then again I always feel compelled to read the things I don't necessarily have to read instead of what I really ought to.

Ah man, I miss Hannes so much, I wish he'd send me a textmessage or call me. :/

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

No distance left to run

Publish my love

Another day, another memory, another picture, another .. what am I on about anyway? You try to put your thoughts into words, but you end up failing every time.

I'm adaptable and I like my new role
I'm getting better and better

And I have a new goal
I'm changing my ways where money applies

This is not a love song

I'm not well yet, that much is apparent. I guess what remains to see is whether or not this drug will work, and if I will be alright after the cure is over. I really hope so, going to the doctor is fairly expensive and really, I'm a poor student. I never used to think about my health much, and now it takes up a much larger portion of my time than I would like. Then again, I was really sick as a kid, but then I stayed healthy for many years. We can't have it all, it would be too easy.

After passing out around 5 am last night, I woke up at the wonderful hour of 2 pm. As the day was already pretty much over, I tried to do some damage control; shopping; cleaning; showering and doing some minor budgeting. Returning from the shop I found my self having difficulties carrying all the groceries the very short walk back to my apartment. During my minor budgeting I found that Vivian is way ahead of me on our overview, and I wanted to correct that a little. I bought a lot of food for both of us, and some juices and yogurt on the doctor's orders. It was a nice trip; I listened to my iPod and enjoyed my self among all the people, even if I looked like a stupid cow.

People of the earth are you hearing me
I'm dropping you a line from the cosmic city
There's nothing on the telly and the radio's shite
So I'm gonna blow you off with my meteorite

Sucking too hard on your lollipop - love's gonna get you down

Seeing Vivian again was great. We immediately started speaking our own little language, and it didn't take long for us to start yelling and laughing and running around like we always do. She (as me) had gotten a little tired of being at home with her parental unit, so she seemed quite happy to be back at the starship. We ate mozzarella and pesto pizza while watching the first episode of Futurama. Another amusing activity we partook in was raiding the 10 NOK marked at ICA maxi like the startroopers we are. A lot of worthless stuff was purchased, including some over priced popsicles that came with stick-on zoo animal tattoos. They also had some code we could register online, but when we tried that it did not work. This obviously pissed us off, so a lot of swearing and yelling occurred during the hours of.. ah, who am I kidding, we do nothing but curse at the sky.

It is now 4.22 am and I really need to sleep. I am attending a Prose lecture in less than 4 hours, and we usually leave half an hour or so beforehand. That leaves me about 2 hours to sleep if I am lucky and manage to fall asleep right away. Chances are I will not, but hey, a girl can dream.

Peace out guys, hope to see you soon.

In the daylight hours
I go out and kill the flowers
Faces all too clear
Keep on looming near

Are you lonely?
Are you lonely?
Are you lonely?

I know I am.

Monday, 16 April 2007

About a boy

Don't you (forget about me)

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down

Will you recognise me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Don't you try to pretend
It's my feeling we'll win in the end
I won't harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security

Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away

Or will you walk away?
Will you walk on by?
Come on - call my name
Will you all my name?

Sunday, 15 April 2007

Spring in Trondheim

I Don't Need Love, I've Got My Band

Sometimes I catch my self staring into thin air, wondering what the hell I am doing with my life. I know this is somewhat of a common problem, but I consider it such a waste of time. I already spend all of my time thinking; when I try not to think all I end up doing is trying not to think about thinking, resulting in thinking about how I cannot stop thinking. I remember this scenario from when I was about 8, and I still cannot figure it out. Some people know exactly what I mean, others have no idea how it is not to be able to not think at all times.

I'm not sure why I made this blog. Sometimes I just need a place to put down my thoughts, no questions asked. But then again, publishing them on the internet the chance of questions being asked increases significantly. I have tried to write in my moleskine but as always I can not finish that project either. Actually, I never really started, my last entry was written sometime last year. In fact, I did not even date the entry, another brilliant
decision on my part.

Jesus, I wish I could get the flow back into my writing. I suffer the terrible faith of too many commas, paragraphs and a very absent mind. It's hard to deal with.

Love will tear us apart

My "band" (or collaboration, if you mind) with Hannes suffered a little after we changed our name from "Kah" to "Long Distance Pirates". We were supposed to record all of our songs over again (G-d knows we need to, all our recordings are first takes and I sound horrible), but then we sort of forgot about it. I suppose that happens when you are busy hanging out with people who act like a couple, but will not admit to being one, or you just like making out a lot. On that subject (Hannes, not music), I am not quite sure what the deal is. We are going a bit back and forth, my problem being that even though he is a bit of a shithead from time to time, I feel that we are so close to the finish line of this part (the painful, sucky long distance part) that I cannot bail. I would hate my self forever, perhaps (and hopefully) even more so than if I just let him go right now. Besides, he seems to believe in us, so I guess that is one.

He is really good with my family. Always so nice and polite, and he even gets them better than me. We doubled with my parents at a fancy restaurant this Saturday, and while I got annoyed and slightly aggravated at their lame attempts of being funny or give me lectures, he just smiled and took it as a man. He even talked to my mother about her helping him get a job within the health sector this summer. I really hope it happens this year.

Nothing Like You And I

I'm getting really tired. I stayed up all night with Hannes, watching Gilmore Girls and laying in bed holding him tight. You must never underestimate the human touch, it can work such wonders on lonely, absent minds. So, that being said I shall bid you farewell, and hope to see you tomorrow, or something. Not that anyone actually knows about this place yet, but maybe in a day, week, month, year or decade they will, and they can go back and read this.

Goodbye Sad Songs.