Sunday, 13 May 2007

Girl, Interrupted

The Only Moment We Were Alone

This is definitely not a good day for me. I'm not sure what I feel, but it's not a good feeling, even if it's disturbingly familiar. I woke up with this feeling, I went to the bathroom and splashed water in my face with this feeling, I said hello to Vivian with this feeling. I kind of want to take a walk, but for some reason I have a feeling it will only make matters worse.

I want to be familiar with my self. I want to know how I will feel when I wake up in the morning. I want to know what my reactions to different situations will be, I don't want to be my own stranger. But then again, so does the rest of the world. Whatever we do, whatever we feel, we are not alone. We will never be alone. And as comforting as that might sound to some, it's also an incredibly depressing thought to deal with when you're in the middle of trying to find your self. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you think, there'll always be someone who's just about the same as you, just better.

At the moment, I feel like someone has knocked me over in the process of dragging the rug underneath me away. I'm holding on to it with claws and teeth, but all I end up doing is destroying it while it slips away. Why can't I be better? Why can't I just let it go and hope that something new and better will replace it in the future? Why can't I just be happy? For all of life's beautiful things, there is enough shit to cover it twice - I'm just making it even more difficult for my self. But I don't believe in fate, I believe in working towards what I want. The fact that am incredibly destructive in my behavior goes against all that - in fact it seems that instead of fighting for things I just wreck them until nothing is left, and it's actually fate that holds what I care about together. It's a very confusing scenario, I'll tell you that.

Whatever, whatever, I'll just follow the stream and see where life leads me.

No comments: